Zombie Book Club
Welcome to Zombie Book Club! We're a Podcast that's also a book club! We talk about Zombie / Apocalyptic horror novels, TV and movies.
Zombie Book Club
ZombieWeen Gameshow 2025 | Zombie Book Club Ep 120
The undead gather for the inaugural ZombieWeen 2025 showdown, where the court of the apocalypse crowns a new monarch of the undead. Leah and Dan usher listeners into a night of witty banter, improvised challenges, and razor‑sharp satire—all framed by a Jeopardy‑style board that pits “Zombie Survival 101,” “Horror Tropes,” “Apocalypse Etiquette,” “Zombie Blockbusters,” and “Dating While Undead” against one another. Contestants—including returning royalty Laurie, the reigning king Sylvester, and challengers Alice B. Sullivan and Jack Callaghan—battle for the coveted Throne of the Undead while the audience votes for the fan‑favorite “Zombesties Choice Award.”
Special Guests
Laurie Calcaterra – Path of the Pale Rider
Sylvester Barzey – Planet Dead
Jack Callaghan – Zombie Nerd and the Half‑Term Harrowing
- https://www.amazon.com/Zombie-Nerd-Half-Term-Harrowing-Callaghan/
- https://instagram.com/jackcallaghanauthor
Alice B. Sullivan – Elementary Undead
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Welcome, noble champions of the apocalypse. Take thine seats in the court of zombie wean. Adjust thine armor, sharpen thine axes, and check thy mics. For soon the trials shall begin.
SPEAKER_00:If you've brought offerings, let them be brains. If you've brought complaints, save them for your deathbed. What say the contestants?
SPEAKER_04:We say I. Alice, who's sick. Coughs. That's perfect. I was like. Hear ye, hear ye, by the decree of Zombie Book Club, the Zombie Wien games are now convened. Tonight. Tonight you face not trivia, but a trial of wit, improv, and audacity. There are no right answers, only answers favored by the judge, Dan, who you can't see, but I promise is here. That's me.
SPEAKER_08:Yes, I've been in their basement.
SPEAKER_00:Your weapons are words, and your armor is humor. Your quest is eternal glory. By dawn, one among you shall sit upon the throne of the undead, as 2025's zombie ween royalty.
SPEAKER_04:And now it is time to unfurl thy house banners. Tell us who thine are, speak thy name in the land and house from whence thou hailest. Boast shamelessly of thine own deeds, and declare why the undead throne should be thine. Sylvester, as reigning Zombie Ween King of 2024, thou must go as first.
SPEAKER_05:Okay, so my name is Sylvester Sabarzi, and although I am reading The Feast of Crows, I can't speak like y'all right now. Yeah, I'm the author of the Planet Dead series and a few other books. And like they said, I am the winner of last year, The King Among Kings, and I plan on winning this year. Um, although, you know, I kind of let myself go. I'm like Robert now, I'm fat lazy. But I think I could still win. All right.
SPEAKER_04:It is up to Dan. We shall see. I will say, Sylvester, House of Barzi, that in addition to thine crown, you have the opportunity to win a scepter handmade by me to go along with your royal outfit. Okay.
SPEAKER_05:So y'all officially about to lose because I need that.
SPEAKER_04:Alice, thine speakest out. Unfurl thy house banner.
SPEAKER_08:Uh I can also not speak like that, especially because my throat is on fire. But I am Alice B. Sullivan. I'm the author of the Aftermath series and other zombie books. I currently survive in upstate New York, where I was born and raised. And this is where I love to write my end of the world scenarios, including Infected and the Undead. Love them all, shambling and running, all different kinds. Um, I don't drink coffee to wake up. I wake up to drink coffee. I have my fidget toys, so I don't hit my mic. And I think I'm gonna win because I consume everything zombie, pun intended, including all the media, zombie shows, movies, books, all of it, and I will try my best.
SPEAKER_04:Reign Supreme Challenger, possibly. That's all I got. Sir Jack, unfurl thy house banner of Callahan.
SPEAKER_03:Hello, my name is Jack Callahan, and uh I am the author of uh Zombie Nerd and the Half-Term Harrowing, as um some of you may already know. But unfortunately, that tome doth come to its end within the next couple of months, and I am art about to bring out a new book because me and mine previous publisher did not see eye to eye, and I said unto them, Dost thou think that just because thou art virtuous, there is to be no more me allowing to say that I doth not like the house of Amazon? And unfortunately, we did clash swords over this, and that's why we did end up um annulling our agreement. But verily, uh I I doth have another book coming out very soon. Unfortunately, it beeth not of the zombie ilk, but um it's still very in very interesting NF. And it's called Weird Water, and um it'll hopefully be out by the end of the year. And um, I'm pretty absolutely sure that I'm not gonna win this because I was terrible on the last one. And Dan hates me, so um uh I'm just here for the fun of it. Damn.
SPEAKER_07:I think you're gonna do great, Jack. Dan, why are you so mean to Jack? Can you start drinking? Jack, please.
SPEAKER_03:Um I'm 100% sober, which is probably the problem. And it's nice to see you again, Lori. Have you have you reconsidered my offer? I've been dreaming about it.
SPEAKER_04:We're gonna talk about this. Well, really. Verily, 'tis Lord Jack Callahan, invited late to this zombie ween, but bringer of beans in bedlam, guard thy beans and hide thine wife, lest Jack make a proposal. Again, they cannot agree. I cannot speak, good people, but you know what I mean. Lori, unfurl thy house banner of Calcatera.
SPEAKER_07:I'm probably gonna butcher this, but hail all ye contestants, and cower beneath the banner of House Calcatera, the original, the first of her name, the zombie wing queen, supreme. I am the drinker of tears, smasher of fruit, Khaleesi of the kitchen, countess of cliffhangers, empress of emotions, and mother of assassins. That is right, I am the writer-creator of Path of the Pill Rider. I drink your tears, and I have this uncanny ability to approach enemies and have them turn into, shall we say, lovers? Oh. This has happened twice now, and if you don't believe me, ask Sylvester. He was there both times. And with that ability, I say, the crown shall be mine. Verily I have the crown here. And I'm hoping to get it. We got a chance of the crown. Hooray! Against the mustache man who shall remain nameless.
SPEAKER_04:Said mustache man was invited to Zombie Wien and ghosted me.
SPEAKER_07:He can't, he doesn't want to face me again. I'm just gonna say. Spectres? For a chance, perhaps.
SPEAKER_04:What's that? His own crown, but nay. He could. And Lori, don't forget, thine has the opportunity to add to thine royal collection with a handmade meat scepter made by me. House of Oh shit. Bleep that out. Nobody's allowed to know my last name. I'm gonna see it on my show.
SPEAKER_08:Uh oh. I didn't hear anything. Sorry, nope, nothing.
SPEAKER_00:I'll bleep it out and replace it with my last name. Is that better?
SPEAKER_03:I'd be more worried about the term meat scepter.
SPEAKER_07:I'm wondering what you're gonna put in that scepter. I'm just saying.
SPEAKER_04:Yeah, that could be very inappropriate. It is a a PG 13. Well, an R-rated meat scepter. Not X rated. Well, there may be buttholes. I'm not sure if that's PG 13. Is that why you said everybody? See?
SPEAKER_05:All of them have butthole. There was buttholes online. Yeah.
SPEAKER_08:So that so that's why you jump from PG 13 to R-rated so so fast?
SPEAKER_00:Yes. There's a certain number of buttholes that you're allowed to show.
SPEAKER_04:Are there a trap in? I don't know. Has one ever seen a butthole on an R-rated movie? Yes.
SPEAKER_00:You have. No. The remake of um Psycho starring um spread cheeks and everything. And in the the shower scene, uh there is a brief moment where you see Anne Haysh's butthole.
SPEAKER_07:Oh like spread cheeks and everything.
SPEAKER_00:She's like falling in the shower.
SPEAKER_07:So yeah, I was gonna say there's falling naked, and I think it kind of sneaks in there. Isn't there there was a fight scene? Um who's the actor that played Aragon, Jack?
SPEAKER_03:The actor uh Vigo Morton soon.
SPEAKER_07:Yes, there's a movie with him where he's in like the Russian mob and he's in like a spa, like a steam room, and he they attack him while he's naked. I feel like there's a butthole in that.
SPEAKER_03:Well, and you see Aragorn's butthole.
SPEAKER_07:Now that's special, isn't it?
SPEAKER_00:That is incredibly special, as we both agree. Remember in the Lord of the Rings when he saw Aragorn's butthole? I think we need to remember that series.
SPEAKER_02:Yeah.
SPEAKER_04:It was in the book. Are thou readiest to learn thine proclamation of rules for this year's Zombie Wien Game of Thrones, aka Jeopardy? Aye. Aye. I excellent. I Dan, are thine ready to share the rules?
SPEAKER_00:That's me.
SPEAKER_04:It's both of us. Both of thine, both the thouest, thou, I don't know how to speak this either. I'm just making shit up. Hear ye. Why thank thee? Hear ye! Hear ye. The board before you that I'm going to make it before you. One moment. There. The board before you holds twenty trials of wit and folly arranged by category and value. These are the challenges that shall test thine cunning, thine humor, and thy will to reign.
SPEAKER_00:Each square bears a number of beans. The higher the number, the greater the peril. And the sweeter the spoils of beans. Choose wisely, for the board is vast and time is fleeting.
SPEAKER_04:When it is thine turn, thy shall name the category and the number of beans at stake. A challenge shall be revealed. Thou will be the first to answer, but others may challenge you if they dare for the beans.
SPEAKER_00:And know this hidden among the squares lies twists of fate. These trials arrive without warning, and once revealed, they must be faced.
SPEAKER_04:Dan, as judge, may grant thee beans, or deny it, as his honor sees fit. Yet in the end, all shall have their say before the court, and the zombie crown will be placed upon one brow.
SPEAKER_00:Unless it's a sceptre. Yes. One scepter. Scepter or a crown will be placed in the appropriate location. In like five months when I make it. Oh, it's my turn. It's gonna take a little while. Champions! Sharpen thine tongues. Contestants prepare thine challenges. Jeopardy awaits!
SPEAKER_04:Behold the fields of combat! Zombie survival 101, horror tropes, apocalypse etiquette, zombie blockbusters, and dating while undead. Perhaps good ones for Mr. Jack to attempt. Who among thee wishes to be the first challenger? Ah, Alice, bravest as a new contender. What does I choose?
SPEAKER_08:I will do apocalypse etiquette for five. Am I doing that?
SPEAKER_04:Can thou readest it or is it tiny? It's tiny.
SPEAKER_08:It is tiny.
SPEAKER_04:One moment if while I make it less tiny. How does one do with that? View. Is that readable? Yes. Yes. Yes. Thou hast stolen someone's last can of beans. Write thine apology note. You may have but one heartbeat 15 seconds to think of your answer. Okay. When do I answer? Whenever thou wast ready. What is your apology note for stealing of the beans?
SPEAKER_08:I'd like to say that I am sorry for stealing your beans, but in the apocalypse it's do or die. And I'm not saying that your life is m worth more than mine, but I was hungry and I also have a dog to feed.
SPEAKER_04:That is a good answer. Would anyone like to challenge Alice for these five beans? Do it up. Do you want to go first?
SPEAKER_09:Yeah, you can go.
SPEAKER_04:I can go. Y'all are too impolite.
SPEAKER_07:Y'all are too polite.
SPEAKER_02:How long are we gonna do the old timey English?
SPEAKER_07:However much we want to sleep. Um here's my apology. Dear Jack, I know that you love beans. I'm so sorry to have stolen your last, but I know that you pick the best can of beans. I pray that you offer your forgiveness to me by sleeping nearby and we can keep each other warm with bean farts.
SPEAKER_06:Love, darling. Lord. Do farts keep people warm? They are warm.
SPEAKER_05:Yeah.
SPEAKER_07:You guys just Dutch ovening each other? Hey man, you gotta survive in the apocalypse. I'm now at least we ain't freezing to death.
SPEAKER_04:Sylvester, do thou have an apology?
SPEAKER_06:I'm gonna die.
SPEAKER_05:Oh no, I apologize for nothing. I take what I want. We are now in a blood feud. So, yeah. That's what next time.
SPEAKER_06:Jack random blood feud. I stole your beans and ran a fucking blood feud.
SPEAKER_04:Jack, do thou want us to challenge for these five beans?
SPEAKER_03:Yes, I would. Um I would say, dear to both Alice and Laurie, and also Sylvester, I'll get I'll get all three in at once. Um to Alice, yes, I appreciate that you have a dog, but and uh again to Laurie, thank you very much for considering me. But as you all know, I am the bean king. So all beans must be given to me as tribute. And that goes to Sylvester as well. So when it comes to beans, you have to bring them before me before I decide who they are distributed to. So I d so whether you have a dog or whether you're trying to, as laurers, bringing your beans before me in attempt in an attempt to win my favour, it's me who decides who gets the beans and no one else.
SPEAKER_04:Jack, that sounds like thou are claimest the claimingest to the thine throne preemptively. The bean throne.
SPEAKER_03:Yeah, I think Jack is stinky.
SPEAKER_07:Jackie wins today, can his crown have beans in it? Oh my gosh. Yes.
SPEAKER_04:Thine thine crown will be decorated with various types of beans. Lentils, kidney beans, navy beans, and black beans.
SPEAKER_00:Oh man, kidney beans are my favorites. Okay, more kidneys for you. Good to know. Dan I'm also a fan of the kidney beans. Um this is tough. Uh because oh man, I just hate giving it to Jack, but I know you do, you bugger.
SPEAKER_03:I like you did in the in the thing with the the menus. I know you don't like me.
SPEAKER_00:I don't know what you're talking about.
SPEAKER_03:But I I hate the fact that Jack is winning, he says. Oh, I did.
SPEAKER_00:I did. Yeah. No, you're right. You're right. I did hate that. Uh, but I am gonna give this to Jack because you know what? I I gotta admit that Jack is the king of the beans. And I think claiming in such a Jack way, uh writing an apology note that is in no way an apology is just so it's so perfect for Jack. And I to Jack.
SPEAKER_03:I have actually been watching um The Walking Dead recently, so I am like Negan. You give me your beans, or I kill you.
SPEAKER_00:Are you pissing your pants yet?
SPEAKER_04:That's the book I want to read. I'd be more afraid of the iron to the face from uh good old.
SPEAKER_09:Jack as the game fire pit.
SPEAKER_04:That'll also be bad. Jack, as the the winner of the five beans, you get to choose next. Whoop whoop.
SPEAKER_03:Um I will go for um uh dating while undead for five, please.
SPEAKER_04:Everybody's picking the five beans. At 26 and decaying. Here, I'll zoom in. At 26 and decaying, this zombie seeks a midnight brain buddy.
SPEAKER_03:His Tinder profile includes Well, his Tinder profile would probably mostly have to include the smell, um, which I could most probably get over if we use certain tinctures, sprays, and oils.
SPEAKER_00:Which ones do you recommend?
SPEAKER_03:Uh most probably tinctures. If we all know what that means. Um I'd like to think also that a zombie would be a very good listener, because they don't talk very much, do they? All you mostly get is moans. So if you were on a date with a zombie, you'd definitely have someone who would sit there and listen to you. You'd maybe have to prevent them from trying to attack you at some point. But if you chained them up, then I'm sure they could sit there. And um, everybody loves somebody who listens to them, and a zombie is definitely a good listener.
SPEAKER_04:Am I the only one that's thinking like a chained up moaning zombie is kind of kinda hot?
SPEAKER_07:Um Leah has unlocked a new kink. Congratulations.
SPEAKER_00:I was I was thinking that's weird.
SPEAKER_07:Bones at the right time. That would be important. Bones at the right time?
SPEAKER_00:Yeah. They always have to moan at the right time. Yeah.
SPEAKER_07:No, they're real moats, yeah.
SPEAKER_00:Has to be genuine.
SPEAKER_07:May I add to this Tinder profile? Absolutely. I think that it would be important that a 26 and D Kang, I know that they are sinking a midnight brain body. However, the mention of teeth needs to be there. Are there teeth? Are there no teeth? I think if there are no teeth, I would be more apt to show up to a blind date. Um, I like the moaning at the right time. Good listener. Um, looking for a warm body. Through farts. We could use farts. We could.
SPEAKER_08:I mean, zombies are probably just constantly shitting, aren't they?
SPEAKER_07:So it depends on how often they eat. Yeah. I don't know if they're gonna keep you warm, but I mean, they could make them abuse too, Alice. I mean, if you want to get out that crowbar and take it, they don't care.
SPEAKER_03:So now you're gonna be able to do it. You can you can knock the teeth out afterwards, that's the thing. Like, and what are you worried about?
SPEAKER_08:But at the same time, do you really want to be gummin it?
SPEAKER_02:Yeah.
SPEAKER_08:Some people might have that. Is that a question? No, it might be too gay for this question. I don't know. I don't know. But I'm gonna say that he probably has it also written, we'll eat your heart out, but not literally.
SPEAKER_04:That is what would be in Vine Zombies Tinder profile. I love it. Sylvester, do you have a Tinder profile you would like to share?
SPEAKER_05:Um I don't know. You guys are way more creative than I can be. Um, probably endless long walks on the beach or uh looking for someone willing to give a part in themselves to the world.
SPEAKER_08:Um to everybody, just like you get a finger and you get a finger.
SPEAKER_05:Yeah, everybody gets a piece of everything. Also, um, you don't have to worry about me chaining you up in a basement for moans and broken teeth. You don't know what that was.
SPEAKER_03:I think that's what that that's what we're saying of the good things.
SPEAKER_06:That was Leah. Leah wants the chained up Zy. I don't I don't. I just heard the note.
SPEAKER_05:I'm not looking for a kid at victim.
SPEAKER_07:No, I'm just saying what would need to be in the Tinder profile profile for me to even show up.
SPEAKER_00:It's it's toothless.
SPEAKER_05:Toothless. Yeah. Okay. I get I get you now. I get you now.
SPEAKER_08:You like them toothless, that's great. Well, when they're gonna eat trying to eat, yeah.
SPEAKER_00:Yeah. Um oh boy. I found Jack's to be very disturbing, and uh, I'm gonna have to go with Lori on this one.
SPEAKER_09:Uh oh, don't stay like that.
SPEAKER_04:Lori, are thou ready for this? Oh, I get beans. I will zoom back out so you can see your options.
SPEAKER_07:I'll take beans for 20, Leah. Just kidding.
SPEAKER_09:They're all beans.
SPEAKER_00:Every question is bean related.
SPEAKER_07:They can't uh let's do zombie tropes for 10.
SPEAKER_04:I like your style. What does it reveal? You just got bitten. Don't question the grammar. How do you try to hide it from your group? And what over-the-top excuse do you give when they notice?
SPEAKER_07:Ooh, I have just taken up um floral arrangements and mummification. I'm going to wrap myself and uh surround myself with flowers because those are my two new hobbies. And I'm really good at them, and I will pass out flowers to everybody. And if they wonder about the smell, I'll just tell them it's the flower.
SPEAKER_09:It's the smell.
SPEAKER_07:I put some cabbage in there. It's hard to find flowers in the apocalypse.
SPEAKER_00:These aren't they beautiful? So some cabbage flowers.
SPEAKER_07:Cabbage flowers are beautiful, and you're wrapped up like a lumbian.
SPEAKER_04:And that's the excuse you give when they notice is that you're specializing in modification and flowers?
SPEAKER_07:Yeah, because I'm wrapping my body to cover the things. I'm really good at first aid. I can do first aid on you too, Leah. If you have a nick or a hangnail, you just let me know. Wrap you right up, bear dairy. And oh, I have a flower too. Here's a bouquet to help you make it feel better. A little cabbage. We love it. Don't ask questions. Don't ask questions.
SPEAKER_00:Sounds threatening when you say it like that.
unknown:What?
SPEAKER_00:Okay.
SPEAKER_07:There's nothing wrong here.
SPEAKER_00:So wait, so mummification is also something that you've picked up recently?
SPEAKER_07:Uh mummification first aid, rep, gauze wrapping. I don't know. I'm really good at wrapping body parts. I excel. It's a new hobby. I'm trying new things.
SPEAKER_04:Outside of this world, like our zombie wean world, do you actually know how to mummify things? No. I've mummified a bird's wing once. That's a good question, wasn't it?
SPEAKER_08:That was a good, that was good. That was very convincing.
SPEAKER_04:A hunter gave me a duck wing and I mummified it. This was obviously before I stopped eating animals.
SPEAKER_08:Is it considered mummification when you dry out flowers and crush them? Yeah.
SPEAKER_00:It absolutely is. And I have no basis for believing that. I just I'm just committing to it.
SPEAKER_04:Yeah. What other ways might uh one of you challenge Lori and how you would hide your bite and your overtall excuse?
SPEAKER_05:I would love to challenge. Uh so depending on where my bite is, I am just gonna take a knife to it. I'm gonna make it look like a regular wound, and then I'm gonna pretend that I sliced myself while I was trying to fortify the compound. And then we're gonna go from there as I try and figure out how to deal with this problem before they find out.
SPEAKER_10:We're just supposed to wrap everything in some. It'll make you feel better.
SPEAKER_05:As soon as it happens, just take a knife to it, run into the air, be like, I just sliced my hand. I need somebody to help me, please.
SPEAKER_04:I have classic. That's pretty smart. But also willing, that means you're willing to like maim yourself to stay alive a little longer and possibly one day eat your friends.
SPEAKER_05:Yeah. Yeah. I mean, when you say it like that, it's not good.
SPEAKER_04:You say it that way. Alice, do you have a plan?
SPEAKER_08:Um, so yeah. I mean, say if I got like bitten on the arm or some shit, I would probably, for one, I am I'm actually, I actually know first aid, like in real life and stuff like that, because of my medical background, because of my work. Um but yeah, so I would likely wrap it up, treat it like a normal wound. I would also probably apply some limestone to it because that takes rid of the smells. Um, that way you won't be like people won't be smelling the infection. And then if someone actually sees the bite, I would just be like, I bite myself in my sleep all the time because of stress and anxiety. And that's just what I do.
SPEAKER_00:It's so believable. Just send me some flowers. I appreciate all of these uh self-inflicted harm scenes.
SPEAKER_04:Yeah.
SPEAKER_09:What is you trying to do with a zombie apocalypse, man? Like, come on.
SPEAKER_03:Jack, do you have a creative? Um I would just say that I got bitten by a human. You know, uh by Alice. Don't nobody don't nobody don't nobody be kink shaming me. Um my bite is pretty distinct because I use Jack, so I'm coming for you. I I did I didn't hear any safe word. Um, but then after after that, um, even if it does turn out that I got bit bit by a zombie and people figure out that's what happened, I've still got my guy over there on my Tinder profile who I can go over to and um and it'd be cool with him. Yeah. So yeah, yeah. Transfer of kink. That is that can be interesting.
SPEAKER_04:That's actually kind of the premise of a peakalypse now that I'm working on uh as my get rich quick scheme.
SPEAKER_00:Um yeah, I'm I'm going with Jack on this one because I I love first of all the callback to your Tinder profile. Uh and also just blaming it on somebody else. That's that's perfect. Another human did it.
SPEAKER_04:Jack, you're going to hate this, is in the lead. An early lead at 15. Yeah, and I'm gonna send you cabbage flowers just for that. Lori has five beans. Sylvester, what has happened to thee? I know. Zombie King came in too confident, perhaps. Yeah. Um we got a long ways to go. Jack, you have already had a chance to pick something. I'm actually going to pass it over to Sylvester.
SPEAKER_09:Ooh, yay.
SPEAKER_04:Beans for 20. Hold on, let me zoom back out for you.
SPEAKER_05:I'll do apocalypse etiquette for 20.
SPEAKER_04:I love the boldness. I have no idea, by the way, I don't remember what any of these things say or do. Okay. A bean battle emerges.
SPEAKER_00:Whoa, we haven't seen a bean battle beans in so long. In fact, never.
SPEAKER_04:What is a bean battle, Leah? We are about to find out. Choose a rival, Sylvester. Wager your beans of which you have none. However, thou can challenge someone to wager their beans for you to steal. There's really nothing for you to lose here, actually. Literally. I can't get negative beans. All right.
SPEAKER_00:I think we can get negative beans. I don't know.
SPEAKER_04:Oh, should we go? Dan, thou art the judge. Did we lose Sylvester? What happened? I will hand count actual beans and mail them to the winner. Are you are I'm unemployed, Alice. I have time.
SPEAKER_07:Are you allowed to just send beans in the fucking mail? Yes. Yeah. Yeah, they're dried. Yeah. As long as you're not selling beans and shit, but I'm not sending myself in the mail. As long as no one is paying money for them, Leah. Yes, you can. I know this. I know this. You can just send beans to anyone you want in the fucking inner. Really? Yeah.
SPEAKER_00:Start sending people beans.
SPEAKER_07:Uh, international might be difficult. If you're gonna send them to Jack, they might get stopped in customs.
SPEAKER_00:But like, how could you? You just fill out the customs form. You can just claim those beans and then they can.
SPEAKER_07:Yeah, you can send beans, Alice, in the 50 states. Yeah, you can send beans to anybody. Just randomly send someone beans. Go through your list of people on your phone book, pick a person, send them beans and see what happens. Sylvester, we thought terrified by this twist.
SPEAKER_05:Yeah, no. I was just being overly dramatic. Okay, let's go.
unknown:Right.
SPEAKER_04:Choose a rival and wage divine beans.
SPEAKER_05:Okay, so I gotta act to take someone else's beans? Yes. Okay, so I'll take Jack.
SPEAKER_04:Okay, for how many of Jack's beans are you wagering?
SPEAKER_05:I want all 15.
SPEAKER_04:Jack's got magic beans. Alright, Jack, you have to defend thine beans. But reveal the question. Make your own Zompoc buzz-in sound. Zombie apocalypse, for those who are not familiar with the condention there. Condenson. I'm inventing words. Then explain what it means. For example, gr that's me finding out my brain delivery is late. Sylvester, you can take a moment to consider your sound and explanation.
SPEAKER_05:Okay. Um I was not expecting this. I guess Jack can.
SPEAKER_06:You gotta make some weird ass case when you know it. You gotta moan at the right time.
SPEAKER_05:Okay. Oh, let's see. Um and um that's normally my reaction when I see a one-star reveal.
SPEAKER_04:Very good, Sylvester. Jack, give us your buttons.
SPEAKER_03:I haven't. I absolutely have something. Um a long time ago, um, I went um and I visited some places in Africa.
SPEAKER_04:You can't start with the explanation, you have to start with the sound. Now I want to hear what it's like.
SPEAKER_03:I'm gonna allow this. Let's hear you moan. The judge is allowing it. Okay. There are two things in the world that I'm really scared of. One of them is heights, and the other one is monkeys. Um when I was in Africa, I met a lot of monkeys, and um there was a Samburu tribesman there who told me that there is one thing that you can do to keep the monkeys away, and it was to make a very specific sound, and it sounded like this and I can still do it to this day. I can't hear it.
SPEAKER_04:That would definitely be like why is it I think that it's not allowing us to hear it.
SPEAKER_05:Maybe it's sniffing for the month.
SPEAKER_03:Yeah, yeah, try it again. You're doing it through this the side of your tooth.
SPEAKER_07:Are you calling a joke? Are you pulling our leg?
SPEAKER_03:Like you on you you honestly can't hear it. I can come up as close to the microphone as I can. It sounds like a teeth or something.
SPEAKER_08:Is it like a dog whistle? I was gonna say, is it only is it only a sound dog screen here? You can only hear it at a drum end.
SPEAKER_01:It's like a monkey going wee!
SPEAKER_06:Well um Oh, it's Donald Duck.
SPEAKER_00:Yeah, I gotta side with uh I gotta sign with Sylvester on this one.
SPEAKER_04:Oh, poor House of Callahan. House of Callahan, I am going to make you watch me do this. Minus 15. 15 poor house of arguing.
SPEAKER_08:And now we have to have it. Why do I have an X on my name? What did I do to you?
SPEAKER_04:Oh, that's just how I knew you at first.
SPEAKER_08:Oh. Like, what did I do?
SPEAKER_00:That reminds us to never give points to Alice.
unknown:Yeah.
SPEAKER_07:I'm just here waving around like Alice. Alice is like the first, this is her first zombie ween. They're at the three of us were on last year. We're like, get her! Like, come on.
SPEAKER_04:I will say that the two former zombie wien, king and queen, are now in the lead. Yeah, what a turnaround. How the house of Callahan has fallen.
SPEAKER_07:He's the usurper. Don't mind me.
SPEAKER_04:I'm so sorry, Jack. Okay, Jack is the king of beans. He'll get more beans. Alice, thou hast not picked one in a while, since the beginning. Name thine challenge.
SPEAKER_08:Uh let's do let's do zombie survival or five beans, please.
SPEAKER_07:Wrong zombie survival. Yeah.
SPEAKER_04:Thou hast recruited three celebrities into your survival crew. Thou must name ones that anybody would know, which is its own challenge. Name them.
SPEAKER_08:Do the celebrities have to be like real celebrities, or can they be like fictional? Like, what are we doing? Dan? Like real celebrities? Because I am not good with celebrities.
SPEAKER_00:You know, I think they need to be celebrities that I would know because your ability to get points is based on me finding it funny. So good luck. By the way, I don't know any celebrities.
SPEAKER_04:That's not true. Oh, Dan. Dan was able to name the woman's butthole that he saw falling in a shower. You're you have good odds, Alice. Oh my god. You have to name three and why they help you survive. Okay, all right. All right, all right. You can take a moment to think about it. You don't have to go right away. Um I will be describing Alice uh is currently shaking wildly their squishy toy onto their face with uh stress, a stressed face.
SPEAKER_09:Oh, that's a lot of reasons. I hate myself.
SPEAKER_10:Um okay.
SPEAKER_08:So I would pick three of them. That's such a high fucking number. I can barely count to three. And I don't even drink. Um so I would let me think of these people's names. Hold on.
SPEAKER_04:I believe in you.
SPEAKER_08:Okay, so let's pick. Let's pick. And Dan, I will come to Vermont and beat you up if you don't know any of these people.
SPEAKER_04:Wow. Sounds like a good time.
SPEAKER_08:Okay. All right. So I would pick Norman Reedis just because I think his time on The Walking Dead probably taught him some interesting situations. Also, I think me and him would get along swimmingly. Um, I would also choose Pedro Pascal, because we wouldn't want Pedro on their team. He is funny, he is a good guy, he hates Nazis, it's fantastic. He also hates JK Rowling, which I yes, please.
SPEAKER_00:Oh, yeah, that's a big plus.
SPEAKER_08:Big plus, isn't it? I would also choose Johnny Depp. He is my favorite actor. Um he is funny, he would keep the tone lighthearted, likely. And if I ever wanted him to imitate Jack Sparrow just to keep me entertained, he probably would.
SPEAKER_04:Three good dudes.
SPEAKER_00:Yeah. That's a solid survival team right there.
SPEAKER_04:Would anyone like to challenge Alice? Lori.
SPEAKER_00:Sylvester next.
SPEAKER_07:My three celebrities are Wesley Snipes, because he can actually fight, yes. So the two of us with swords would dominate the playing field versus both living and undead.
SPEAKER_00:Just don't ask him to do your taxes.
SPEAKER_07:He can all well, no, there's no taxes. It's the apocalypse, right? True. But also, he can say things like, you know, some motherfuckers are always trying to ice skate a pill and put the sunglasses on. That would be great. That would be like, ah, that'd be awesome. And he's very intimidating. Um, number two, uh, celebrity chef Gordon Ramsey. Very important. I feel like he could find a lot of things in the apocalypse to keep us well fed and actually tasting good. All those cans of beans that we stole from Jack. Sorry, honey. Um, we can make them delicious. And then he could also be intimidating to that other group of humans and call them an idiot sandwich should they try to invade us and then like make fun of their cooking talent. And then by we would just, you know, we would take over. And third but not least, Mariah Carey. We need Mariah Carey and her shrill voice to explode the undead's brains.
SPEAKER_09:Oh, yeah. You ain't getting nobody else.
SPEAKER_07:Yeah, so I just like you know how the glasses break. Mariah Carey could burst the brains of the undead with one song. And should the uh you know the living get too close, she can just start singing, All I want for Christmas is you, no matter what time of year it is, and win. We would win.
SPEAKER_04:Yeah, my brain would explain. I would surrender immediately to make her stop.
SPEAKER_07:Yeah. I mean, we could we could keep like, you know, like uh uh like what is it, Demon Hunter, where they keep a piece of bamboo. We'll keep a piece of bamboo in our mouth until it's ready to unleash Mariah, and then yeah. This does mean to Mariah, but it'd be mean to Mariah, but her weapon is so powerful.
SPEAKER_05:I feel like that's how she won our celebrity deathmatch.
SPEAKER_07:Mariah, yeah.
SPEAKER_05:Yeah, his head exploded.
SPEAKER_07:You gotta go to the brain.
SPEAKER_05:Oh, okay. Um, so the first celebrity I'm gonna pick is Betty White, because I miss Betty, so I don't need another reason besides that. Um don't start that. I'm gonna pick um, let's see, Dolly Parton. Because you know, I I have to listen to Jolene every now and then. And so I'm gonna go with that. And I'm gonna pick Trump so I can feed him to the zombies.
SPEAKER_07:We do bait in the apocalypse.
SPEAKER_00:Somebody got it now.
unknown:Yeah.
SPEAKER_07:Eat the rich, as we say. Here on zombie book.
SPEAKER_04:Yeah. Got a trip to your favorite friend. Jack, do you have any celebrity choices you want to challenge with?
SPEAKER_03:I do, yes. Are they all British, though? Um yeah, they're they're very well not all of them British. Okay, I'll get uh I would like to choose um Alexander the Great, uh the the greatest dominator of of modern history. I'd also like to choose uh Winston Churchill to keep everything politically in charge. But um, I see that everybody has also been choosing uh like a cultural person as well. And I'd like to choose Tom Waits, just so that while everyone was going while everything is going really well, we have Tom Waits in the back going the rats and bats and bats in a pile.
SPEAKER_04:So these are some very different choices.
SPEAKER_00:Yeah. You know, I I I there's there's some good ones in all of these. Um I really appreciated uh Wesley Snipes as an answer. Uh ice skating uphill is been something that I've been saying for decades. Um I uh I gotta go with Lori. Um, you know Gordon Ramsay is great to have on a team.
SPEAKER_06:Gordon Ramsey?
SPEAKER_00:Yeah, Mariah Carey with their sonic weapons. Um I think I think all around, like that's the team that's going to get you through some stuff. Not to say that Winston Churchill wouldn't be great, but uh he he kind of needs a uh a country to lead. Um other than that, I feel like he's kind of like a weeble wobble.
SPEAKER_04:A weeble wobble. Alice, it seems that the Jeopardy is against thee. Oh that's okay. Your time will come.
SPEAKER_05:Your time will come. Dolly's gonna find out about this.
SPEAKER_04:Oh uh Alice, Jack, true contenders for the crown, zero points both. Sylvester, reigning Zombie Wing King, has 15 beans, and Lori with 10. Who shall go next? I have forgotten who went recently, so who needs to go next? Who hasn't had a chance to go first in a while? Jack Lori.
SPEAKER_03:Jack, Jack, Jack, Jack House of Callahan! Okay, um, I will go with um zombie survival 101 for 10, please.
SPEAKER_04:Alright, let's thou hast barricaded thyself in a Walmart! What isle do thine turn to in thine stronghold and how? Also, are there Walmarts in the UK? No, there aren't.
SPEAKER_03:Um maybe a a Tesco's, then yeah, we do have something slightly similar. What is it? Um dear. An Aldi? Uh we're telling that. Um we don't really have anything anything very similar to a um a Walmart in in in Britain, but I can try and think of something similar. Um super similar. I definitely want food. Food would be my main thing. But then I'd also think about weapons. And of course, um in Britain we also have to think very clearly about weapons because uh we we we don't have access to the same kind of things that you do, but we do have access to things like cricket bats and stuff like that. So I definitely have to choose like the sports section, something that I could get that I could hit somebody else with.
SPEAKER_08:You always gotta be hitting someone else.
SPEAKER_04:Alice, does that mean you have a challenge to this question?
SPEAKER_08:Uh sure, actually. I'd probably choose the gardening section. I'm not sure if everybody's Walmarts are the same, but I would probably choose the gardening section. Not only is there a way to get outside and away into the store in case I need anything else, but it's near the pharmacy aisle in my Walmart. So I can have medicines, band-aids, everything like that. Um, it's also near just like random displays of like Gatorade and Powerade, which is great for hydration because you can last longer with um without food than you can without drink. Um so that would be my type of priority over food, is would be water and drink and stuff like that. So and you can always grow your own food in the gardening aisles anyway. That's a good point. I can always just pick up a goddamn hoe and whack a bitch if I fucking need to. Whack a hoe. That's for the hoes.
SPEAKER_07:She's not talking about the tools, she's talking about people. She's gonna pick up a hoe.
SPEAKER_05:Whacking.
SPEAKER_07:I mean, I'll pick up either hoe, either way.
SPEAKER_08:You gotta be willing in a zombie apocalypse.
SPEAKER_04:I just have to say, hoes out there listening, I love you. And you are also especially if you're in the gardening section.
SPEAKER_00:Yeah, all genders of hoes, you're welcome here at Zombie Ween.
SPEAKER_08:And there's there's like long decorations you can use to whack a zombie too, so I don't necessarily need deliberate weapons. I can always make a weapon out of anything I see. I believe that.
SPEAKER_04:Yeah. Having watched you make a fire with a giant stick and also feared for my life, then you saved our dogs from fire everywhere. So thank you.
SPEAKER_08:I have no self-preservation.
SPEAKER_00:Perfect for the zombie. You have dog preservation. It's true. That's and that's the only preservation you have.
SPEAKER_07:Uh Lori. I want to hear what Sylvester has to say because I'm torn between these two. I'm probably gonna pick someone's aisle to go into. Uh see. Where are you going, Sylvester? So I mean, you're invited to mine, Lori.
SPEAKER_05:Thank you. So I have to be in the aisle. I can't just be in the back where everything is. And this is the bonus.
SPEAKER_04:I did say aisle. Dang.
SPEAKER_05:Um, let's see. So I'm probably gonna be in the hunting session, being that we do have guns over here. And they also got that dehydrated food. I'm still gonna patrol Walmart, but this is where everything is, my main station, just in case somebody comes in, I need to kill them. I'll I'll I'll go with that. And I got a tent and everything.
SPEAKER_04:So yeah. That is true.
SPEAKER_05:All of those things are in the airplanes section. Yes.
SPEAKER_07:Very comfortable chairs. Because that's what I was thinking too. Like, I think there's dehydrated food, like, then they have like MRE type session, plus there's guns, there's fishing equipment, blow-up beds, fishing and the walls. I guess the the pet section you could go to the I was actually Dan, Dan, Dan. I was gonna say the gardening is great too, but I might actually end up in the pet section. Um, maybe if I'm hungry enough, uh, with some beans on crackers. Um I want to take care of the animals, and I think that I could train them to be my like assassins. Like, yeah, send out the Walmart. I'm gonna train the birds, the parrots, specifically to go steal the food, carry it back to me. Um, I could use like the leashes and things to tie people up if they come into my business. Um, but there's plenty of food there to keep the animals alive to train them to be my minions. That's what I was gonna say. You know, I'm missing out on my Walmart because my Walmart's so bad. There's no I would also send carrier pigeons over to Ali to have a truce so we could be in our own Walmart army for when you know, like the real bed they come. And of course, Leah, you know, I need to go into the craft aisle, the stationary aisle, and fill my junk jet full of porcelain items so I can shoot them at the yes, thank you.
SPEAKER_04:I will sing to you in uh Little Mermaid.
SPEAKER_08:Yes, you know, this is do you have do you guys have pets at your walnuts?
SPEAKER_05:They they used to have they used to have birds and fish at birds, fish, yeah, lizards, aquariums. But now they just the ones around us, now they just sell them. They just sell the uh equipment.
SPEAKER_07:They don't have dogs or cats, but they have birds and like hamsters. Big city Walmart. Oh my god, hamsters. A hamster at Walmart. I I have a question. Oh no, don't do that. I wouldn't kill them. That would be like the projectile, and then the hamster would kill the raid.
SPEAKER_04:Interesting. Do you wish you had a Walmart, Jack? After hearing us talk about all the things you could have in one place.
SPEAKER_03:Well, no, I was just about I was just about to say, um, um, Sylvester, uh, are you literally talking about um that you can walk into a shop and buy a gun? Yes. No, no, because um in Britain we can't do that. Guns are illegal.
SPEAKER_08:Yeah, no, the US you can just there's machetes in Walmart for that.
SPEAKER_05:I'm sure we realize we have a problem.
SPEAKER_08:Yeah.
SPEAKER_07:In Texas, we have constitutional carry. You can just walk around with a gun on your hip anywhere you want to go in Texas. Walmart is oh my god, Texas is crazy.
SPEAKER_04:That's terrifying.
SPEAKER_03:So tie um tying it back to what I said with my with my answer to the question, um, you're all talking about like, oh, I'll I'll just go and get a gun. But unfortunately, in my country, I can't I can't get a gun.
SPEAKER_07:I mean, I'm sure I'm training the birds in my opinion. Did anybody get points? Did anybody get points for that thing? Not yet.
SPEAKER_00:I'm still listening to you guys discussing the finer points of Walmart.
SPEAKER_04:Disperse thine beans so we may take a break.
SPEAKER_00:So I have I have decreed who has the beans.
SPEAKER_08:Uh while also have to be creative in the zombie apocalypse because even if you have a gun, if you have ammo, that gun is goddamn useless. So my garden gnome can do more damage than your gun if you ain't got the fucking ammo.
SPEAKER_05:Garden gnome could go in junk jet, too.
SPEAKER_08:You can load it.
SPEAKER_07:I can send you pigeon droppings and you can use it as fertilizer. We can be friends. We have robins, that's about it. And then I'm gonna load all the cans of beans into the junk jet and shoot them over to Jack. Peace offering. That's we're just all in the same Walmart, dude.
SPEAKER_03:Yeah, but yeah, but that's not that's not like um bullets, though, is it?
SPEAKER_09:No, it's friendly. I was thinking, like friendly, you're came with the penis with love.
SPEAKER_05:Jack, do they have like crossbows and stuff at stores? No, no, no, they're about machetes.
SPEAKER_00:Do they have machetes, Jack?
SPEAKER_03:No. Machetis are illegal.
SPEAKER_00:Wow. Oh my god, these are illegal. Yeah, there was a whole thing.
SPEAKER_07:I didn't think, or are they illegal to have in your house?
SPEAKER_03:They're illegal to have in your house.
SPEAKER_07:A machete?
SPEAKER_03:Yeah, I know they have um I got like a big thing. You wanna you you you wanna come to you wanna come to the UK and see how much shit we think is illegal? It's it's so much.
SPEAKER_07:Um I know they have like I would love to show you my knife collection and my machete collection sometime.
SPEAKER_08:I have a tiny little multi-tool and a pocket knife.
SPEAKER_07:I love it. Oh and don't forget your mini crowbar. And I love chainsaw in my backyard in two weeks.
SPEAKER_03:Make sure you tune in. Is um is your pocket knife uh longer than three inches? Yes.
SPEAKER_00:Depends on where you start measuring.
SPEAKER_04:I don't think so, to be honest. I can't see this.
SPEAKER_05:That is a solid, like six inches. Is that a six inch? It's just kind of revealed how violent we are over here. Yeah.
SPEAKER_08:I use mine as a tool, not a weapon. I cut bailing twine and shit open.
SPEAKER_04:That's important.
SPEAKER_09:If I have to use it, I will, but you collect muscashes with mine, it's fine.
SPEAKER_04:All right.
SPEAKER_09:I'm going to stop this.
SPEAKER_04:I'm going to stop this because I need to pee, and Dan needs to disperse some beans.
SPEAKER_00:Yes, I was ready to disperse these beans 10 minutes ago and we got into this heated discussion about Walmart. Um, but uh, while I think all of you had great, great answers, I think longevity speaking, Alice wins this one because and it's also something I'd never considered before is going to the garden section because it's it's the only place in Walmart that gets sunlight and has plants and fertilizer and plant food. And you could grow a whole garden. Wow. We could make explosives and there's hose. Exactly.
SPEAKER_08:I love blowing stuff up, so I haven't blown anything up yet, but like in my heart I have.
SPEAKER_04:In your heart. In my heart. Uh I who who's next here? Who wants to go next? Just pick one.
SPEAKER_00:Oh, I think Alice goes next because Alice Alice won.
SPEAKER_04:No, I just picked though, uh before Jack. So it should be someone else. I was doing that, but I was trying to make a rotation.
SPEAKER_07:Yeah. Do Lori. Lori. Beans for 20, Dan. Which which 20? Let's do zombie blockbuster pitches for 20, please.
SPEAKER_04:Let's see what's behind this. I don't remember. Ah, this one may require some context for our good friend Jack from across the ocean. Zombies appear on Shark Tank, which is Zack, uh, Zack Jack. Jack Zack. Do you know what that is?
SPEAKER_03:Um, yes, we have something similar in UK.
SPEAKER_04:Okay. Nice. Zombies appear on Shark Tank.
SPEAKER_07:What do they pitch? They are going to pitch denture cream. Because the thing that is so important to zombies is their teeth. That's how they survive, that's how they bite people, turn them, eat, right? So what happens to the zombie that on their Tinder posted that they had no teeth? Um, they need a good set of dentures. And the way that they sell the denture cream is to say that it is it it not only restores the flesh and locks the teeth in, it also smells minty fresh because it's important in the apocalypse to not stink like dead fish. The rest of you will smell like dead fish and beans. However, your mouth will be minty fresh so you can go bite that person, your lover.
unknown:Yeah.
SPEAKER_00:Thank you. I you know, I think that uh that I might want to invest in that.
SPEAKER_04:Anyone here seen their grandparents without their dentures? It's terrifying. Yeah.
SPEAKER_00:I remember the first time I saw that. It was actually my my neighbor when I was like three, and they're like, You want to see something, kid? And then they pulled their teeth out and like, ah, they ran away, and I was traumatized.
SPEAKER_07:You know, my grandpa used to rattle his teeth in his mouth. So you'd look at him and he'd smile real big and his teeth would go, and you're like, This is not okay. This is not okay.
SPEAKER_04:Does anyone else have a pitch they would like zombies to make on Shark Tank?
SPEAKER_03:Yeah, definitely. Uh me.
SPEAKER_04:House of Callahan, go ahead.
SPEAKER_03:Yeah. I'd like to think that a zombie would say on a a thing such as Shark Tank, I'll eat someone you don't like. You eat someone I don't like, where's the fucking problem?
SPEAKER_00:So it's a service. Like they're offering a uh a mutual service of like an escort service?
SPEAKER_08:Is it like an escort service where someone shows up and then they just get here? But not in the good way.
SPEAKER_02:Yeah, yeah, totally.
SPEAKER_07:Mutual mutual murder agreement for a fee. Mutual cannibalism. I take a bite, you take a bite. Cooperative, cooperative cannibalism.
SPEAKER_09:Hey, hey.
SPEAKER_04:But how can the investors invest in cooperatives? They don't like those. They don't want us to cooperate. They want to be billionaires. All right. It depends who we're talking about. Gonna help that 1%. Sylvester, House of Barzi. What's your zombies' pitch?
SPEAKER_05:They're gonna, yes. They're gonna um they're gonna have a social media-esque app where we're gonna call it Build a Horde. It's gonna be kind of like your tender thing, where zombies, introverted zombies, can find other zombies so they can massively collect together and then go after the humans. So build a horde keeps you from just being alone in the apocalypse. Find like-minded people so you could go eat like-minded people.
SPEAKER_08:But if they're introverts, would they leave their house to join the horde?
SPEAKER_05:That's that's interesting. That's uh that's a whole part two where we have zombie counseling.
SPEAKER_08:But that's all right. They just moan at the right time every time their therapist asks a question, they just moan at the right time.
SPEAKER_00:Oh my god. Yeah, yeah. So I mean we're fine. We we love we love tech startups because it's uh it's low and low low investment on the front end.
SPEAKER_04:Yeah. It's a fascinating one. And this this is these are like warm-bodied zombies where they still have like dexterity in their fingers to go on this app.
SPEAKER_09:Yes, yes. Yeah, sure.
unknown:Yeah.
SPEAKER_04:Big big buttons. Big buttons. That could be part of your selling.
SPEAKER_07:Does it read to them? Denture cream.
SPEAKER_08:Alan, I'm gonna raise the bar. I'm gonna say unlimited green energy via the electric hamster wheel. Oh, not furry off unlimited energy because all they do is endlessly march. They do not get tired. So if you just invest maybe like 30%, like million dollars, we can bust out some hamster wheels electric and get those zombies going, provide all the electricity you need. There you go. Who would the zombies be pitching that? They're pitching, they're putting their own people on the hamster wheels. Yeah, because they want so the thing is the deal, the deal that they would have to have to work out behind the doors is the shark people get the money, but they get the people that they don't they want to eat. So like it's a mutual agreement.
SPEAKER_07:I guess I'm gonna need energy. I don't know. My zombies are a little different than Jack and I. We both have like sympathetic zombies. So I'm always like, don't put the people on the hamster wheel, that'd be terrible.
SPEAKER_04:Sylvester's blank. Sylvester's seem nice too.
SPEAKER_07:Alice, the zombies is a this is uh this is um if it was a person though, I see how Alice's plan works.
SPEAKER_05:Like they're gonna they're gonna control energy through the zombie wheels. Yeah, and then on the back end, once the capitalists have their society, they're gonna cast out people who get eaten by the zombies.
SPEAKER_04:So it's the justice system get eaten by a zombie.
SPEAKER_08:I mean, that's usually how it is, right? That's that's what that's what it is right now. Listen, on Shark Cake, you gotta get something out of it too. So the sharks get their unlimited energy because zombies never get tired, and then the zombies get their food.
SPEAKER_04:Who here has heard of Vermin Love Supreme, a candidate for US president?
SPEAKER_09:Oh no.
SPEAKER_04:Alice, you might really like this person. Their name is Vermin Love Supreme. That is indeed their legal name. That's a real name? Yes. That's a real name. They have they wear a rubber boot on top of their head like a hat. So imagine the part that your leg goes in is like the part that goes on their head. And one of their um planks of their platform is exactly what you just said, Alice. So I think you need to look up Vermin Love Supreme because they are saying that we need to create renewable energy by putting zombies on hamster wheels. How would we get the old? Uh yes, this is real. Oh my god.
SPEAKER_05:I'm guessing he didn't win.
SPEAKER_07:No, I feel like we need to vote for this person. They're better than all the other options. Oh, where are we getting this book? Where we get one of the things.
SPEAKER_00:Vermin Love Supreme is not currently our president. No, sadly.
SPEAKER_08:No, we have a goddamn orange fucking Cheeto.
SPEAKER_04:It gives Cheetos a bad name. I love Cheetos. Yeah.
SPEAKER_08:So why? That's why I don't understand. How can you look so much like a Cheeto and be so awful?
SPEAKER_07:All politicians are yeah, yeah.
SPEAKER_00:Yeah, I I knew a kid when I was 10 years old that always had Cheeto dust all over his face, and I hated him. Wow.
SPEAKER_09:Oh discriminatory.
SPEAKER_00:He was a terrible person.
SPEAKER_05:Yeah. It wasn't the Cheeto dust. I was like, he's just Cheetos. He can't. I mean, yeah, he's messy, but you can't hate him for that.
SPEAKER_04:Dan, thou must decree who gets the beans. 20 beans. This could this could cur with our current standings, this could put somebody in the lead very in a very strong way.
SPEAKER_00:It could. It could put somebody in the lead. Um I th I think I I gotta go with Build a Horde.
SPEAKER_09:Oh.
SPEAKER_00:Uh I you know, I think this is something that the zombies need. I think it's something that all zombies need, and all zombies are going to be able to access with their unlimited access to free phones on all of their victims.
SPEAKER_10:Um cheating for some. I just forgot.
SPEAKER_00:And they they need to build the horde. So like I think this works out. It's gonna make a lot of money. You can run those ads. Zombies will watch ads endlessly. That's true. And that would make money.
SPEAKER_04:Yeah, just let the YouTube scroll.
SPEAKER_00:And you know, I I love the the uh the zombie um uh hamster wheel idea. However, I feel like there's a danger of it becoming decentralized and the public being able to recreate this technology for themselves, thus uh eliminating um our profit share by not having uh a uh a monopoly on energy.
SPEAKER_04:That is what a greedy rich person would say.
SPEAKER_07:Oh, I was like, I was confused for a second. I was like, oh wait, no, he's a shark. That's right.
SPEAKER_00:Yeah, I'm a shark. I'm the shark.
SPEAKER_07:All right. I was like, what are you saying?
SPEAKER_04:Who are you right now? We get two more options before we move into the final round. Maybe three. We'll see. Who feels called to claim some beans? We all want beans. I don't know what that was. I'm gonna say Sylvester. It is late. But Sylvester, you did win, so you are next.
SPEAKER_05:Okay, all right. Um, I'll do zombie tropes for 20.
SPEAKER_04:Everybody's getting bold here with the number of beans. You, Sylvester, are the reluctant leader of your survivor group. What is your very first, obviously bad motivational speech to your group?
SPEAKER_05:My very first, obviously bad motivational speech. Um, let's see. So I understand that in the real world none of us would be friends and that we don't like each other as it is right now. But we need to get to the Walmart and take the other people's things, and then possibly when we're fed and we're safe, we can work on the strife that's between all of us. So that's all gonna be our first initiative that we're gonna move to the Walmart. And if you continue to complain about moving to the Walmart, then we're gonna leave you behind in the middle of the night.
SPEAKER_08:Just the middle of the night.
SPEAKER_05:Just the middle of the night. Wow.
SPEAKER_04:I I am motivated. I was just thinking that would be like a really great way to bring this country together. Let's make sure we all have what we need and then we can hate each other. Oh, I thought you meant that we're gonna go take over a Walmart. Yes. Actually, let's take over the means of production. Sounding like a communist here, sorry, United States government. Let's take over the Walmarts. And then once we've done that, we can fight it out or or maybe like figure out that we we're actually not so different after all. Yeah.
SPEAKER_05:See? If we have everything we need and someone's still being a dick, then now we know you just a dick.
SPEAKER_04:Why do dicks have to get a bad name? Anyhow. Who would like to challenge Sylvester's uh obviously bad, but maybe kind of motivational speech? I'll do it. Alice.
SPEAKER_08:Yeah. Like, okay. I know I am pretty short, but I stand before you today as your leader. I have not chosen myself. For some reason, that guy over there chose me. But we will march against Jack's beans. We will do what we can when we can do it. We'll try again somehow. Some of you will die. He will probably die. Um, I'm the main character, I will not die. So you're welcome. Um, and when we have all of Jack's beans, I will get the most. We will divvy it up, and we will survive somehow. Maybe not for a long time, but honestly, I'm not here for a long time. I'm here for a good time. So if y'all ruin that for me, we'll be we'll we'll we'll be okay. But just don't don't don't don't expect to survive too long. Don't get overzealous.
SPEAKER_04:Would another leader like to step up to the plate and give us uh their obviously bad motivational speech to the group? Lori. Hello, everybody.
SPEAKER_07:I am in charge, I guess, for reasons. I don't know. We have a great mission in front of us. You see that giant building? We're gonna go take the giant building for reasons that I'm not sure of. Um, all of you are invited. Bring your weapons. I think there's about, I don't know, 600 zombies in there. Not a problem, not a problem. There's four of us, right? We'll be fine. Um and that building right there that we're gonna take over, it's uh it's full of zombies. We already established there's about 600 and fireworks. I think that if we uh we go in, Jack, you got your flare gun? Yeah, we're gonna go in, you're gonna like signal with the flare gun to let everybody know that we're there, and then that would be perfect in the firework um warehouse. Nothing bad will happen, right? And then next door, if we get hungry, we can go. Yeah, that's the dog food plan. So first the fireworks, then the dog food. We'll be fine. No, I'm not taking any questions right now, Sylvester. Put your hand down. Everybody got their plan? Fireworks, let's go. Let's go.
SPEAKER_09:I did have Sylvester.
SPEAKER_04:What's your question? No, no questions, please. Jack, give us thine zombie we're sorry, zombie bean king motivational speech.
SPEAKER_03:Me? Yes. Um oh my god. Um I uh I built have have to um declare that I am with Laurie and I say that yep, it's and I say that everybody who doth not think that we are the greatest people in this um thing that doth happen right now uh cometh before us and um beg to say that you that that you uh oh this is fucking stupid.
SPEAKER_04:Okay I just beat my own people again.
SPEAKER_05:I mean, that is a pretty bad motivation.
SPEAKER_00:Yeah, I think Jack went to the biggest thing. If we're if I'm scoring this up over how bad it is, first of all, you just attached yourself to Lori's plan. Which is bad, which is a bad plan in itself. Then stumbled over your words and then gave up.
SPEAKER_06:You just bailed in the middle of the speech.
SPEAKER_00:I'm gonna Jack, I'm gonna have to give it to you because that's the worst motivational speech ever heard. Come on. What do you want me to do?
SPEAKER_03:Wow.
SPEAKER_06:What are you talking about?
SPEAKER_04:It was 20 points right there. You're in second place. We have Sylvester reigning Zombie Ween King at 35 beans. Alice with a very decent amount of 10 beans, that would be one solid meal. Jack with 20 beans, Jack Zombie Bean King. That's come on now. And Lori also with a modest 10, but it's not over yet. I keep winning the low ones. I got the five and the gotta get more bold. Jack, it is thouist's turn to pick. This may be the last or the second last option.
SPEAKER_03:Pick your can I pick can I pick um zombie blockbuster pitches for 10, please? Come on, I'm gonna I'm gonna figure this out.
SPEAKER_07:A bean battle! Go get your bean back, get your beans back from Sylvester. I can't.
SPEAKER_09:Oh god, the bean is fine. He's coming for your beans.
SPEAKER_04:A bean battle. Jack, you must now choose a rival to wager your beans. If you win, you get the beans from your rival. If they win, they get the beans that you've wagered. And you must make make your choice and your wager of beans before I show you the prompt. Right. Who do who do I have to wager against? Any any folk here, Sylvester, Alice, or Lori? I mean, you've got the most.
SPEAKER_07:Sylvester has the most because he stolen from you.
SPEAKER_04:Here, I'll show you. Here's our results right now.
SPEAKER_05:That didn't happen, Jack. You'd remember that. That in it.
SPEAKER_03:Sylvester, I'm gonna try and pinch them from you. All right. Um dude. Let's go.
SPEAKER_04:Hollywood's calling. How much beans? Oh my god. I fucked up. You didn't see that.
SPEAKER_09:I saw it.
SPEAKER_04:How many beans will you wager, Jack, in this rivalry?
SPEAKER_00:Oh, absolutely. All of your beans?
SPEAKER_04:How many beans is that? Jack has 20 beans.
SPEAKER_00:Yeah, 20 beans.
SPEAKER_04:All right, Sylvester. 20 beans are on the line here. Jack, you're gonna tell you. Here we go. Here we go. Need this bean crown. We really need it. Hollywood is calling, but the producer is a Nepo baby. Toddler. Tell us your movie pitch in toddler speak.
SPEAKER_03:Oh, fucking hell.
SPEAKER_04:There we go.
SPEAKER_03:No, um, so Besser has to go first. No. Oh no, I have to go. Do I have to do it? You do.
SPEAKER_08:Oh my little baby, you can do it.
SPEAKER_06:I believe in you.
SPEAKER_01:Well, the things is that I believe when it comes to the thing with the baby top, it's who fucking Do you have dogs?
SPEAKER_10:You talk to like your animals? I'm like, you don't do it to me.
SPEAKER_09:You're cutting me off. Um Jesus Christ.
SPEAKER_02:I can't even look at you.
SPEAKER_09:I have to look away while you do that.
SPEAKER_01:Out of nowhere came the great and incredible thingy. And all of a sudden came the great and terrible people who all of a sudden wanted to bite you, and they wanted to bite you on the bottom. And I said to myself, Oh my god, I don't want anyone to bite me on the bottom. And I looked at these people, and they had a great and terrible face.
SPEAKER_03:I can't do it. I'm sorry, I give up. I give up. Sylvester, do something better than me, please.
SPEAKER_04:I would just like to pause for a moment and say that we're going to a wedding after this. And I just cried laughing so hard that I ruined my own makeup. You messed up her makeup. I have to leave right after this, Sylvester.
SPEAKER_03:And now I'm gonna look like this. No, Sylvester, please please beat me. I can't do this anymore. So go ahead.
SPEAKER_08:I want to do this one. This is fucking funny.
SPEAKER_03:No, no, Alice, if you no, Alice, if you've got it, jump in and get it.
SPEAKER_04:Sylvester's been challenged for 20 beans.
SPEAKER_07:Sylvester's been challenged, she's gotta do it. Yep. Oh, he's saying to have Alice do the pitch in the baby voice, and if she wins, she gets the 15 beans.
SPEAKER_04:Oh, okay. Yeah, you can ask you could you could give it to Alice if you wanted to, Sylvester, to challenge on your baby. I'll get the beans and you won't.
SPEAKER_09:I'd rather lose on my own case.
SPEAKER_05:Because then, you know, I don't want to have problems when I don't get my scepter with Alice. But let's go. Okay.
SPEAKER_09:So the movie that I would like to make is going to be it's um because um I was thinking that we could have Miss Rachel in the uh zombie apocalypse.
SPEAKER_05:And then she could, she could, after she, after she does the um ABCs, she could come and then she could tell us as a story, and then we could uh in my um first, first, first, okay.
SPEAKER_09:So first I'm gonna be in my bluey PJs. Okay, I'm gonna be in my bluey PJs, and then Miss Rachel will take over the nearest Teresa Us. My dad said Teresa Russ is not real anymore. He says it's gone, but I know he's lying. So what we're gonna do is we're gonna take that over, and then when the zombies come, we're gonna feed them, my brother, and that's it.
SPEAKER_02:That's it.
SPEAKER_00:Dark twist at the end.
SPEAKER_04:Yeah, that's just that dark.
SPEAKER_00:That's some vicious, vicious Yeah, it had all the elements, you know. It had the uh the plot, it had that the uh the dark turn at the end.
SPEAKER_07:I didn't get myself for that.
SPEAKER_00:And also uh you made it all the way through, which makes you automatically the winner of that one.
SPEAKER_05:We baby talk for kids all the time.
SPEAKER_04:Oh, we bet 20 too. Jack, you have lost so many beans. Minus 20 for Jack. Plus 20 for Sylvester. The scepter is so close to being your hand. Sylvester has 55 beans. Alice has 10. Jack has none again, stolen twice.
SPEAKER_00:You know, Jack has lost more beans than most people have ever had in their life.
SPEAKER_04:Lori has 10, yeah.
SPEAKER_05:Oh, what a terrible shame. You came in, tried to take your beans back. I respect that. No.
SPEAKER_04:We have time for one more challenge. Unless, may I dare say, that Lori and Alice, you could compete right now for 20 beans with the same one if if thou wantest. Or would you like to pick a new one? What?
SPEAKER_05:Oh would you like to baby talk for 20 beans?
SPEAKER_07:I'll do whatever Lori wants to deal. Pick a new one. I ain't going after that Elmo impersonation for getting you very good toddler speak, because that's it. All I talk to with my dogs, but I don't know what Lori wants to do. No, let's do something else. Because we got we got one left.
SPEAKER_04:Let's do there is something else after this, but one left of these.
SPEAKER_07:Let's do it. Zombie survival 101 for 20, Alex. I mean, Dan. Nice.
SPEAKER_00:It's actually Leah. I'm not doing anything.
SPEAKER_07:Leah. Pick the left bean battle!
SPEAKER_04:For all he's got. I'm gonna take them all. For 55 beans, the former zombie wean queen is challenging the current zombie ween king.
SPEAKER_00:Uh you know, if you're going for the 55 beans, I think uh it's important to point out that well, if you lose, it'll put you at negative 45 beans.
SPEAKER_07:I'm okay with this. Jack and I are friends and he'll just send me some more beans. Perfect. Are you ready? Ready.
SPEAKER_09:Let's go.
SPEAKER_04:The dollar is dead. Bitcoin is useless. In your apocalypse, the new currency is convince us it's worth something. Hot sauce.
SPEAKER_07:The new currency is hot sauce, my friends. For multiple reasons. Because one, that roadkill is gonna taste so much better with some of my uh Jack's revenge on top. And Dan, as you know, it keeps the ants away. That's true. So when you're up in that tree hiding from the horde in your inflatable bounce house up in a tree, this is when we deploy the hot sauce in a ring so the ants can't come eat us while the horde goes by. Also, also, the glass can be used as a weapon. You can chuck that at somebody, right? Explosion, and then you so you can take out the living that way, because you have uh you have a deterrent. And if you are a zombie from Path of the Pill Rider, it helps you remember your humanity and what it's like to eat. Hot sauce, my friends, is the new currency. We have big bottles, small bottles, we have five-ounce woozies. This is how we trade for things in the future. It's a hot commodity, pun intended.
SPEAKER_00:Spicy. I mean, that was a good pitch. That was good.
SPEAKER_05:That was very good.
SPEAKER_04:Sylvester for 55 beans.
SPEAKER_05:So, me and my kingdom of people have no plans for currency. We just take, but I'm gonna play your game. Okay. And um what I think the best currency would be for us is probably seeds. We're gonna trade in seeds. Granted, you might find out you got duped a little down the line that your orange wasn't really an orange and you're growing spinach, but that's that's something you've gotta risk, okay? So I just feel like we can we can trade for seeds. One, it gives us food regardless. And then two, you know, I mean, depending on what kind of seeds you cultivate, you can you can we can rebuild the superiority of things. I could be hella rich if I've got like apples and and oranges, and that would be the ideal thing for us. But I would also throw in that the kingdom does not trade, we just take. Thank you.
SPEAKER_07:Don't think you want to plant your currency though. If you trade it, why would you want to plant?
SPEAKER_05:Well, it's gonna create more currency. I mean, the seeds are gonna give you your fruit, you're gonna get more seeds. That's an investment.
SPEAKER_06:It's a slow that's like a scheme of financial own money.
SPEAKER_07:Yeah, it's like your own money, it ain't worth much.
SPEAKER_08:Can I add some can I add something even though I'm not a part of this?
SPEAKER_09:Go ahead.
SPEAKER_08:I would I want to I want to say the best currency. I want to say the best currency is I do like hot sauce, Lori. Fantastic. I think the best currency would be information. Because if you know what your neighbors got and someone you else knows what they got, then they're willing to give you whatever you need to get that information. I think information is the most powerful tool in the apocalypse. Because if you know what's going on, you're the most powerful person there. You know what they got, if you know what she got, if you know what's going down. I think that's very powerful. Problem solved.
SPEAKER_00:Wait, so everybody has to do it. Does Alice get everyone's points?
SPEAKER_08:Or everyone has like everyone has their little information. Be like, if it's not in the bean battle.
SPEAKER_00:Yeah.
SPEAKER_08:No, I just wanted to say that I think that information is very important.
SPEAKER_07:That would be an interesting uh twist to this game.
SPEAKER_05:I mean, you can you can go with hot sauce. You can run that out. So but I have a currency that's gonna keep coming.
SPEAKER_00:So you know, I was really on board with with Sylvester because um I think that seeds are a really good currency, but I I think I think we pointed out a really big problem in that currency is inflation. You know, you you you plant you plant a you plant an apple tree, then you got like 500 apple seeds, which is great as long as nobody else is planting apple trees for you. Um but uh Lori's hot sauce is a consumable commodity. Your hot sauce only becomes more valuable as people consume it. And I gotta go with Lori on that one. Because as a currency, it's just more valuable. Oh your hot sauce is gonna buy so much more seeds as people are are consuming it.
SPEAKER_05:When all the hot sauce is gone, you're not getting an apple from me.
SPEAKER_04:Yeah. I'll just make some peppers and I'll make more hot sauces. You can't eat money, you can't really eat hot sauce. You can drink it. True. You can eat it. I can't, though. Man, I really my makeup really is ruined looking at myself.
SPEAKER_07:Yeah, but I have made hot sauce candy, so you can eat hot sauce.
SPEAKER_04:This really breaks my heart, Sylvester. I'm sorry. It's a minus 55. Lori suddenly in the lead to claim the crown once again at 65 beans.
SPEAKER_00:But this is so devastating. I actually feel so bad.
SPEAKER_04:Yes. Uh but we are not yet done because there is an opportunity for a sudden death round for the crown. Okay. Everyone has the opportunity to still get the crown, regardless of beans. Because Dan himself just said that seeds, which are beans, are not as valuable as hot sauce. Oh, it's a nice circle. Okay, all came back around. Hear ye, hear ye lend thine ears, and what remains of thy flesh and attend. Each of thee hath threescore heartbeats, that's 60 seconds, mortals, to proclaim thy sovereign monologue. Speak as though thou already dost sit upon the dreaded throne of the undead, and thine every breath commandeth thine horde of worm meat subjects. Be grand, Brigo, be grotesque, be the very stuff of nightmare and gory gory glory, I meant, alike. Show forth thy most terrible or most magnanimous self. O monarch of brain eaters, devourers of descent, now speak and let thy decree echo through the tombs of time to win thee crown eternal or until the 2026 Zombie Wien Game Show. Uh-huh.
SPEAKER_08:Should we let Lori go first?
SPEAKER_04:I would like to go last. I think Yeah, I think does anyone feel uh ready? Let's let's give 60 seconds. Uh-huh. 60 seconds, think about it.
SPEAKER_00:Yeah. Uh in the in that 60 seconds, um how how is how does this work?
SPEAKER_04:So basically, you are giving us your speech as if you have already won the throne and it is yours. And it is yours to choose how you want to talk to your subjects. Your your worm meat subjects. So you can be you can be grand, grotesque, generous, or terrible. It's up to you.
SPEAKER_00:Nice. I meant points-wise.
SPEAKER_04:Oh, good question. Well, you just only the beans are useless. So, how much hot sauce are we wagering here? Uh, I don't think anybody has any hot sauce. Well, except for Lori, I guess. All right. For 100 hot sauce bottles. 100 hot sauce bottles. Oh, so if if the beans are useless, yeah. If they went there, you get 100 hot sauce.
SPEAKER_08:Yeah, Alice is. You did all that work for stealing beans and now they're you can all that work for entertainment, Lori. Entertainment is priceless.
SPEAKER_04:Yeah, right. Alice, Alice's 10 beans, Lori's 65 beans. Dan, you have decreed as judge it is not tender, legal tender. So we have to use 100 bottles of hot sauce.
SPEAKER_05:That's gets you nowhere, Lori. Shame.
SPEAKER_09:You be careful, sir.
SPEAKER_07:Because you know what's coming, right? I have a video for you. No, I'm just kidding. I'm kidding, I'm kidding. I'm just kidding. I'm leaving, I'm leaving right now. So I didn't I didn't make any videos today.
SPEAKER_00:So you're just gonna freestyle then.
SPEAKER_07:Well, I have something planned, but it is not video.
SPEAKER_04:All right. Who is ready to share the decree, their decree as the royalty of Zombie Ween 2025?
SPEAKER_08:I'll go for fun. Alice is what it is. 1001. I stand before you today as neither your king nor queen. I am your monarch of the undead. We will march on the land of the living. We will take their hearts, hold them in our hands, drink their blood as if it is our water. They will not win. We will win. We will reign supreme over the land. It is this wasteland that is ours. We have the power, my shambling friends, my brain-dead brothers, my lovely beings of everything. The soil grows from our decay. The living, they fear us. We stand tall. Follow me, and this world will be ours. We will have them on the knees we wish we had. Their ankles will bend at our whim. Their smiles will rip their cheekbones, and their tongue will be our necklace. Follow me if you want this world.
SPEAKER_00:I am terrified. You had me at ankles bending.
SPEAKER_04:House of Sullivan. That was scary. Who is ready to go next?
SPEAKER_08:My heart is beating really fast.
SPEAKER_04:It was brilliant. Jack, I think you were volunteering. House of Callahan. Yeah. So you're on the throne. You're on your trill. He tells us all to fuck off and says that he can't do this.
SPEAKER_07:He's gonna do a repeat of his earlier motivational speech. I'm still motivated by that.
SPEAKER_08:I don't know what you I don't know about you, but I'm still motivated.
SPEAKER_03:No, I've got absolutely nothing. That that was incredible.
SPEAKER_08:My gods. Uh I have social examination and my fucking heart is bracing.
SPEAKER_07:I can go, sure. I was born into the zombie genre. Not that I can remember it. We fled before Brandon's mustache could find us. Brandon is your father's best friend, you know. I wonder if your father knew his best friend challenged a girl through the original zombie wing crown. Not that it matters, of course. I spent my life defending my right to be in the room. So many men have tried to mansplain to me. I don't remember all their names. I've been bullied like a redheaded stepchild. I've been talked down to and betrayed, laughed at, and criticized. And do you know what kept me going and standing through all those years? Faith. Not in publishers, not in myths and legends, in myself, in Lori Calcatera. The world hasn't seen a zombie bear before. Not until my first issue of Path of the Pale Rider. The zombie genre didn't have zombie ethics. The backers supported Path of the Pale Rider, and they did it for me. I was born to wear the zombie wing crowned. And I will.
SPEAKER_04:I don't want to be ruled by any of you. You're all terrifying.
SPEAKER_08:We'll twist ankles together, Lisa. House of Calcutta.
SPEAKER_04:I'm running away from you too. We're no longer uh little mermaid buddies. Sylvella. That's harsh. House of Barzi.
SPEAKER_05:Yes. Okay. So as your king, your ruling king, because we had no doubt I was gonna win anyway. So, what I want my people, my zombie people to see, we need food. We need people. So our main goal from now on is to not only just eat the people, we need to bring them back. We need to harvest, we need to farm these human beings, and we need to create food so we no longer have to leave the kingdom because outside the kingdom is dangerous. We've already built our horde, we don't need to do that. So, what we need to do is to kidnap as many human beings as we can. And um just, you know, basically breed them and use them like cattle and bring back a whole new nation for us. So we don't have to, we don't have to go scavage and hunt anymore. We are beyond that. We are the future of this world. This world has always been ours, they just didn't know it. So I want you guys to rise up with me. Let's go out for one last time and come back to our glorious kingdom where we are on top of the food chain forever and ever.
SPEAKER_04:I I like the cattle analogy, Sylvester, because it makes me think are we going to milk humans?
SPEAKER_05:I mean, if the zombies want milk, I don't know what they might.
SPEAKER_06:I don't know what they want to eat.
SPEAKER_05:If they want to try to milk the humans, then yeah, we could do that.
SPEAKER_00:So you're you're doing the agricultural revolution, but for zombies. Yes.
SPEAKER_05:Yeah. I don't want them to risk their lives all the time hunting down you humans. They might get smarter. We can't trust those humans. So we gotta we gotta work smarter than them. Wow. Do you think you can pull it off? Oh, do I think me and my zombie army could pull it off? Yeah. Of course. I mean, I'm not gonna go into this thinking I'm gonna lose. That's not that you can't do that. You already lost if you do that.
SPEAKER_08:Don't be too cocky because cockies lose too.
SPEAKER_04:I mean, aren't you, Alice and Sylvester, on the same side here? You want to use your hordes to basically. Oh yeah, but I'm not that's very fair.
SPEAKER_08:I mean, but he's milking them. I just want to drink, I want to I'm I'm after their blood.
SPEAKER_04:You want to twist their ankles. I mean, that's another form of milking them. Blood.
SPEAKER_08:Because it's like you it if you twist their ankles, they can't fuck you run.
SPEAKER_05:Yeah. But I want to make sure that we don't just eradicate our food source. We need to start continuing.
SPEAKER_00:That's smart. Yeah. So that's that's that's uh maybe too smart.
SPEAKER_04:For a zombie?
SPEAKER_00:Yeah. Oh, this is tough. I I was really hoping that I could lean into this point system to make my decision for it. And now here I am with the full weight of the decision on my shoulders. You know, I I absolved myself of the decision making last time, and now here I am again having to choose.
SPEAKER_04:Uh this is not a democracy this year on Zombie Ween because we're not living in one. So we have to embrace your tyrannical powers.
SPEAKER_00:Yeah.
SPEAKER_08:Um love.
SPEAKER_00:Yeah, I feel like I feel like uh like Sylvester had a really good action plan. There were steps involved, there was a goal at the end, um, and uh it didn't involve any twisted ankles, which I am of course against um twisting ankles, that is. Uh so I'm I I gotta go, I gotta go with Sylvester. Two time.
SPEAKER_07:Hey, wait a minute. I've got all the beans at the end, and that counts for nothing.
SPEAKER_00:Apparently. That's what I'm talking about. I was planning on these beans being worth something.
SPEAKER_09:Me too.
SPEAKER_04:This just goes to show who has the real power in this room. Leo? Me. I am but a bon. I'm a figurehead. I am the the plotter behind the scenes. I am the Stephen Miller of Project Zombie Ween 2025. And I am so sorry, Lori. I did not know it would you would be the shrapnel. Also, Alice and Jeff.
SPEAKER_07:I'll give my crown to Jack because I wanted Jack to have a zombie bean crown.
SPEAKER_05:That is sweet.
SPEAKER_04:Well, Sylvester's like thank you, Sylvester, for already giving your speech and letting us know that we are all going to be farmed by you very shortly. Appreciate that.
SPEAKER_07:I thought the speech was supposed to be how we already won. I pulled mine straight from Game of Thrones, too. That is a Daenerys Targaryen. This is the second time I've given two excellent speeches and lots of buttons.
SPEAKER_04:You know the Summerween slam down could occur again.
SPEAKER_07:Oh no, no, no. I ain't doing that again.
SPEAKER_05:My wife doesn't want me to shave. That wouldn't be good.
SPEAKER_07:Oh no, no. I don't want to that would just, my husband would be uncomfortable if I just had a collection of mustaches in my ball. It's already weird. He's like, you're doing what? You get a dude's mustache? That's weird.
SPEAKER_04:I mean, aren't we all a little weird in this particular group? I think you gotta be. Well, Sylvester, congratulations. You are going to get a scepter to match your zombie ween meat crown. You all get a t-shirt that I am currently working on designing. It's going to be a good time. And I'm going to let you know a little twist here, which is that there is a Zombesties Choice Award. So while Sylvester, you you will maintain your monarchy. It is your crown. It is your throne of bones. Somebody here could get a very tiny crown. Oh. That maybe is made of beans if people vote for Jack. Or Alice broken ankle bones? I'm not sure. I'll have to think about it. Lori, you let me know what you want your tiny little tiny junkjet crown? I'm not sure. I want a sad pancake.
SPEAKER_07:I want you to make me a sad pancake.
SPEAKER_04:A sad pancake crown. Oh, I'm gonna dismember sad pancake into a crown. I mean, I mean that's true. He's already a dead.
SPEAKER_07:It would be the happiest crown. He'd be so happy.
SPEAKER_04:He is a happy boy. And the way that you can let us know who you think the Zombesties Choice Award should go to is voting on Instagram. You will see it uh in the announcement when we post this. Who you choose to be the tiny monarch. It's up to you, Zombesties. Did we get it right? Or was someone horribly stolen from? Not Jack. Me! Jack was here for a good time. Thank you, Jack. All right, Sylvester, would you like to pick your surprise prize? Oh yeah. Surprise, prize. Door number two. Oh, there's a surprise prize? Yes. Choose your final spoils, Sylvester. Okay. House of Barzi.
SPEAKER_05:I'm gonna go with two.
SPEAKER_04:It's not terrible. Is it beans?
SPEAKER_05:Wait, I thought you like you knew something ahead of me.
SPEAKER_04:I don't know anything. You get a let's click on it. A light up LED toxic zombie half mask for a total of 1999 beans.
SPEAKER_05:My kids are gonna hate me.
SPEAKER_04:That's cool, man. What do you think?
SPEAKER_07:Will you wear this mask?
SPEAKER_04:Oh, no.
SPEAKER_09:I can wear it all the time.
SPEAKER_07:Dude, you gotta do what I do. You gotta put it on while you're in the pickup line at school. That's that's yeah, when I bust out the zombie in the pickup line in school.
SPEAKER_05:Well, they're homeschooled, so I'm just gonna wear it when they wake up.
SPEAKER_04:Good morning. Yeah. Sylvester, as our two-year reigning Zombie Ween King, do you have any final words? Yes. Or are you gonna leave it all on the floor with your decree?
SPEAKER_05:Um, I just want to thank you guys for always putting this together. This is amazing. I always have a good time. And um, you know, um yeah, I'm not gonna say nothing against Lori because I don't want her coming after me.
SPEAKER_07:Almost some branded after you. That's what's gonna happen.
SPEAKER_04:Uh Sylvester, where can people find thee?
SPEAKER_05:Oh, yeah. Um, you can uh you can find me at my website, www.sylvestebarsi.com. And on all social media platforms, I am at Sylvester Barzi. So, you know, if you're looking for the Zombie King, you can find me everywhere.
SPEAKER_04:Wonderful. And are there any reasons you would say the writhing masses of the lowly public should choose thee as fan favorite, Zombesties Choice Award?
SPEAKER_05:Oh, oh, the I I get to be voted on?
SPEAKER_04:Yeah.
SPEAKER_05:Oh, um, I don't know. I already won, so you might as well just take it.
SPEAKER_04:Jack, what are your last words? Where may the people find thee? And why should the writhing masses choose thee as fan favorite?
SPEAKER_03:Yeah, I've I've got a new book coming out very soon. And um, I'd I'd I'd love everyone to come and you know go on to my uh all of all of my in uh Instagram and everything like that. Come but come and find me, I'll find you, or you find me. It's okay. I'm on Instagram.
SPEAKER_04:We'll put it in the show notes. He'll find you. You heard it. And if you like Jack's baby talk, maybe throw him a bean crown, tiny bean crown.
SPEAKER_00:And if you see him on Tinder, swipe whatever way. And if you see me on Tinder, make sure to swipe right.
SPEAKER_03:Okay. I'll come and find you.
SPEAKER_07:Hi everybody, I'm Lori Calcutera. You can find me on all socials, and you can watch my podcast, The Tuesday Morning Brew, every Tuesday, um, on all sorts of channels, but you can find me on uh YouTube, Lori Calcatera360. Please check out Path of the Pale Rider. It's uh the wonderful book that I love to talk about uh with zombie ethics, zombie bears, and we're going into the undead retirement community, and it's going to be traumatic. Um, if you have been traumatized by this episode like I have, um, having thinking that you have once again secured the crown only to be thwarted by Sylvester Barzi two years in a row, please vote for me as the what is it, the Zombesti Award? Zombesti's Choice Award. Yeah, it would help me feel better. I'll make your tiny scepter if you win. I'm very sad. I'm very sad at this moment, and I feel like I need to unleash Brandon on Sylvester as payback. Whoa. Be prepared for that.
SPEAKER_04:Okay. Alice, House of Sullivan, speak thine last words.
SPEAKER_08:Uh, Alice B. Sullivan, you can find me on my website, www.alisbsullivan.com. I'm also on Facebook mostly. You can also find me on Instagram, but I'm not that active on it. Um, check out the aftermath series, the dog doesn't die, and my characters are lesbians, which is great. Um, I love my queer people. Um, you should choose me as a Zombasties, just because I think it's lame that Dan would rather be bred as a like a cow than have a twisted ankle. So it's kind of fucked up. But whatever floats your boat, I guess.
SPEAKER_04:All links will be in the show notes. It is time because I'm officially late for this wedding, and my makeup is ruined by Jack Sullivan's baby talk. Thank you, Jack. For whoever would like to join me, join us now in our ancient hymn to the tune of NSync's Bye bye bye. All together now. Are you ready? What? Might sound crazy, but the ending. Don't die. Gonna have to fix my makeup now, so bye. Bye. Bye.
