Zombie Book Club
Welcome to Zombie Book Club! We're a Podcast that's also a book club! We talk about Zombie / Apocalyptic horror novels, TV and movies.
Zombie Book Club
Pets in the Apocalypse, and Zombie Erotica | Zombie Book Club Ep 64
In this week's episode of Zombie Book Club, we dive headfirst into the chaotic world of pets in the zombie apocalypse. Would your beloved pet become your greatest ally or, in a dire moment, your next meal? From the protective instincts of large dogs to the homing pigeon's invaluable role in communication, we rank the top five pets best suited to survive the apocalypse. Along the way, we share personal life updates, like mismatched Care Bears socks and spooky Halloween decor, plus a juicy pitch for Polly Morphous-Lee’s sizzling "The Zombie Re-Erection."
We also chat about our latest reads, including LM Juniper’s "How We End" and jo salazar’s "The Dead Weight." Tune in for a mix of humor, survival tips, and a look ahead at next week's zombie read, Lindsay King Miller's "The Z Word." Whether you're a book lover or a zombie enthusiast, there’s something in this episode for everyone!
Polly Morphous-Lee & The Zombie Re-Erection: Only sex can save us!
https://www.instagram.com/polly_morphouslee/
https://www.amazon.com/Zombie-Re-Erection-Only-sex-save-ebook/dp/B0DG37W3GD?ref_=ast_author_mpb
LM Juniper's How We End: https://www.amazon.com/How-We-End-Survive-Book-ebook/dp/B0BFNHMTXJ
jo salazar's The Dead Weight
_jo_salazar_
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Welcome to the Zombie Book Club, the only book club where the book is a cuddly creature that you invite into your home and provide with security and treats in exchange for unconditional love. Aww, grown from Nero. I'm Dan, and when I'm not trading away decades worth of my health and well-being in exchange for snacks, I'm writing a book about people finding deeper meaning in life after the fall of civilization, while wishing they had snacks this is very true.
Speaker 3:I wish I had snacks right now cornerstone of the zombie apocalypse genre joe salazar sent us some snacks along with our books, the dead weight. They're very good snacks and some of them are shelf stable. We're saving for the apocalypse they're on the shelf they are, and they are quite stable.
Speaker 3:Haven't moved an inch one move to my desk as an emergency item. Oh, that one's not so stable. And I'm leah and I'm wearing mismatching care bear socks right now because it's saturday, it's a casual care bear dead kind of day here in the zombie bunker. Yeah, what Care.
Speaker 1:Bears are on your feet.
Speaker 3:I don't know. Hold on A purple one it looks like a milkshake.
Speaker 1:Okay, Anybody who knows Care Bears which one is the purple one with a milkshake.
Speaker 3:And hold on my other foot's in the dark.
Speaker 1:I'm going to have to adjust myself here and the other one resides in the dark. No, it's pink and it's got a rainbow pink with a rainbow.
Speaker 3:That sounds like a care bear for sure. The milkshake one, I don't know.
Speaker 1:My friend rachel sent me these that sounds made up, the purple one with the milkshake on its belly. Uh. So today it's a casual dead. We couldn't be more casual or dead right now. No, well, I guess we could be more dead. I could be in the ground. I'm really glad you're not. Yeah, me too. Um, so, uh, today's, today's gonna be a life update day. We're just gonna talk about things that we like. Yeah, what kind of things are we gonna talk about?
Speaker 3:oh, I don't know. Uh, like what we've been reading lately in the zombie sphere, uh, we've got a very, very, very spicy book pitch from polymorphously. Some of you might have to cover your ears. Yeah, we're gonna give you a trigger warning. Content warning. Yeah, if you have children around, although I if you're driving a car you might want to pull over yeah, do you all listen to this with your children nearby? Yeah, hi kids hi, do you like violence?
Speaker 1:we have a bunch of groans from the horde today. I don't know if I'll get through them all.
Speaker 3:Yeah, hi, kids, hi, do you like violence? We have a bunch of groans from the horde today. I don't know if I'll get through them all, but we'll get through some. I feel like we've got a backlog of groans.
Speaker 1:Oh, so many Like the groans are just coming through the walls. The horde is growing and we are also overdue for a casual dead. The groans are turning into bangs on the windows and doors are the groans turning into moans? They are moans, for sure it's. I think it's gone beyond moaning even like is it more like rage zombie now, like we're hearing the windows rattle, oh yeah, we gotta read these.
Speaker 3:Yeah, we gotta get to those but the most important thing we're talking about today, dan is pets pets in the apocalypse. Yeah, we should talking about today. Dan is pets Pets in the apocalypse.
Speaker 1:Yeah, we should talk about pets in the apocalypse.
Speaker 3:Which started because we wanted to talk about whether or not we'd eat our pets in the apocalypse. Stay tuned for that discussion today. And then it sort of morphed into other things about pets, yeah.
Speaker 1:So you might know this, but we release episodes every Sunday, so you should subscribe Rate and review, please.
Speaker 3:We love it. Actually, the current typo is subscribe Subscribe, yeah.
Speaker 1:We have notes, but they're not spelled right.
Speaker 3:No, like literally. I keep trying to fix the word subscribe but every time I put something wrong.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I don't know.
Speaker 3:I am undiagnosed. I am undiagnosed dyslexic, I'm pretty sure. Also, rate and review. We actually got a really great five star review on apple recently and I love that we posted on instagram, but I want to read it out loud because I think I need some help with interpreting this, okay but it's five stars.
Speaker 3:Uh, the person who gave us this their name is please help me get this fixed, and the subject line is do you want a pet billionaire? Okay, they say please help me get this fixed. Says you do good, because we have a long rang of them, jeff bozo to the bitcoiners. We have a lot. Well, come on down to one, two, three billionaire killer street, starting at one penny, ranging up to one buck. Thank you. Now back to the show.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I think they're selling billionaires For a penny to a dollar, it's a billionaire farm like a puppy farm, like a puppy mill.
Speaker 3:But it's for billionaires, a puppy mill of billionaires.
Speaker 1:That feels like justice. So if you could imagine like a cardboard box filled with little tiny baby billionaires inside that are just kind of like walking around like exchanging bitcoins with each other, um, and you reach in and you just pick one out of the box and they're like that one's got all of its shots, um what are we doing?
Speaker 3:we're having, like a pet okay, a pet billionaire yeah, it's our billionaire I don't want a pet billionaire. If my billionaire was a pet, I would eat it yeah, well, we can eat the rich yeah so this is an alternative food source as well um grow billionaires. Yeah but also I just want to say, like I, it was interesting because this one actually changed. I saw it and it said something else slightly different. And then it said this and I don't, I guess you can edit your reviews.
Speaker 1:Maybe they got it changed.
Speaker 3:I mean it still says please help me get this fixed. Yeah, but whoever you are, please help me get this fixed. We appreciate you. I'm glad you're on team Eat the Rich yeah, You've really inspired some new ideas in our heads. Yeah, One of them for me is what would you rather fight? 100 evil magic chicken zombies or 100 pet billionaires?
Speaker 1:Oh, I mean, how big are the pet billionaires?
Speaker 3:Well, you just described them they're small.
Speaker 1:Yeah, but I also just made those up.
Speaker 3:I guess they're all Jeff Bezos sized, oh, okay.
Speaker 1:Man, I don't know. I think I could take at least 10 Jeff Bezos. What about 100? That's hard. Ah man, I don't know. I think I could take at least 10 jeff bezos. A little bit a hundred, that's that's hard, that's. I mean, going up against 100 chickens is hard. Yeah, I don't know you know what?
Speaker 3:jeff bezos doesn't have a sharp pointy beak and he has songs dedicated to him, yeah, by uh. What's his name again? Oh, jeffrey. Jeffrey bezos entrepreneur.
Speaker 1:Exactly who that is? We won't say his name, though, because we all know.
Speaker 3:We all know who that is, we all know who we're talking about and yet we don't life updates leah yeah what are we even doing?
Speaker 1:ah, should I start? Yeah, you always start, god, you know what? My biggest life update? I don't even think I should say out loud because maybe it's a crime. So let's just say this week maybe I did a crime. Oh, I know what you're talking about. Yeah, don't tell me. But, it was an accidental crime, and let's just leave it at that. That is incredibly already. Yeah, look, we people commit crimes all the time. You know it's not a big deal, it was a victimless crime.
Speaker 3:I mean, you did text me about it, so there is evidence, yes, but I don't think you should say it on the podcast.
Speaker 1:Yeah, nobody died, everybody's fine and you know what, especially, I didn't die, and that kind of is a strong possibility.
Speaker 3:You're incriminating yourself so hard right now. If you combine this with the text, yeah, you know what Law enforcement officers.
Speaker 1:Please do not pay attention to this part of the podcast. You didn't hear anything. And also, it was a joke, A hilarious joke. It was a joke, a hilarious joke. In other news less incriminating news I got some news, that's the word. I was looking for A letter.
Speaker 3:Yeah, an email from your lawyer.
Speaker 1:About the progress of my VA claim, and there's good news and there's bad news. The good news is that it's in progress, and there's good news and there's bad news. The good news is is that, like it's, it's in progress and there's a pretty good chance, um, that I'm gonna get everything that I want. Uh, the bad news is it's gonna be like multiple years, like at least two, more than likely two. So I gotta, I gotta, I gotta, I gotta go through like two more paving seasons, I think, or do something else, I don't know.
Speaker 3:Yeah, I don't want to go through two more paving seasons myself.
Speaker 1:My body's falling apart. I'm like a zombie.
Speaker 3:You do shamble.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I live inside of this meat suit that is the equivalent of a rotting shambling corpse, and my limbs are falling off now. Um, all I've got left is my, my devilish good looks, and who knows how long that'll last? Probably not very long that's a good thing. I love you kidding, yeah, so I don't know. I mean it's like it's a mixed bag, because it's like, hey, hey, you're probably going to get everything you've ever wanted. Also, you have to wait Like an obscenely long time, or.
Speaker 3:I'm calling it early retirement, because that's what will happen, as much as it really sucks, and, frankly, you need it and deserve it now. Yeah, if the decision goes in your favor, it means that you won't have to work the kind of jobs that you're doing right now and you'll have enough to survive, yeah, and maybe pursue some other kinds of business, like growing mushrooms, legal ones, people like lion's- mane, that's not the crime we're talking about uh, elm juniper, if you're listening to this, we are fellow mushroom lovers yeah, yeah, um, I I've, I've grown.
Speaker 1:I've grown a few mushrooms, a couple of them.
Speaker 3:I'm gonna grow more of this this winter yeah, but if we could, if you could, grow mushrooms for a little bit of cash, that would be great. But it is, it is sad and, um, it's. It's been rough because I've had two years of being pretty immobilized because of my feet and I would say I'm just coming around. I had a secondary blood transfusion into my left foot again because I'd say it's like 50 better than it was, which is pretty great, uh, but it's like, as I'm getting better, dan's getting worse. Yeah, so, uh, like we didn't get to go kayaking together this summer, for example, because it was too hard for you, it's too painful, and our dog walks when you're here are very, very, very short. Yeah, so it's just. Yeah, bodies are weird and I'm grateful that I have one, I'm grateful you have one, but I think it's also just like a very sobering reminder that we're not in 100 control of our health and sometimes we have to do with what we have.
Speaker 1:Yeah you know, I my measure for how healthy I am is how long I feel like I could evade zombies, and right now I don't even think my zombie corpse would be keeping up with the other zombies. Aww, I would not be outrunning any slow shamblers, not even the ones in the Dead. Don't Die. Not even them, wow, which were comically slow. What about sean of the dead? Not even them, not, not even not even the one in the backyard. That took like 25 minutes just to stumble a couple of feet what about zeke?
Speaker 3:who's at our front door? The zombie, the one with no legs?
Speaker 1:yeah, just fabric hanging there with some shoes, some fabric and some shoes attached. I feel like I could take them.
Speaker 3:I think we're an even match speaking of uh zeke, we decided to buy a few zombies this year for decor and our front yard and I'm enjoying them very much. We played around with putting them in the uh in our land, which is a trail that goes all the way across Vermont. Actually, people opt in to let their land be a part of it, but I wanted to look at them every day and we're not going back there right now.
Speaker 1:I mean, the joy of scaring the shit out of a few hikers was not outweighing our enjoyment of seeing our zombies every day.
Speaker 3:Well, we'll upgrade next year and we'll get a trail cam so we can fully.
Speaker 1:Oh my God of seeing our zombies every day. Well, we'll upgrade next year and we'll get a trail cam so we can fully. Oh my god, that would be brilliant because we could. We could upload those and people could enjoy people getting the shit I don't know.
Speaker 3:It worries me a little bit, though, because today I saw some horseback riders back there and I just I don't want to spook a horse, maybe the horse would just be fine with it, no, but the rider horses don't like plastic bags dan yeah, but they don't like anything that's out of. They don't like anything out of play something that looks weird. They're instantly like what the fuck is that they will be. They'll be like what is that? And they'll be like snorting at it.
Speaker 3:This is going to be a go along perfectly with the rest of this episode it is, yeah, pros and cons of pets, including horses, yeah, but yeah, we've got really great decor. We posted it as a reel for october 1st because we wanted to share. It was still wasn't even completely done. We just got a bunch of zombie arm lanterns that I'm excited about if I could get them into the ground. I like them they're nice.
Speaker 1:We should leave them up year round I think so.
Speaker 3:I think zeke's not going anywhere. Zeke scares me every time I leave the house.
Speaker 1:You know, zeke, our staircase that comes up to the main floor is right next to the front door of the house and, because my brother also lives on the property and comes into the house in the morning, we leave the outside light on. But that also means that as I crest the top step of the stairs, I look outside and I see a grotesque face of a zombie looking back at me from outside, and it scares the living shit out of me every single day and, um, to be honest, it's better than drinking a cup of coffee in the morning does.
Speaker 3:It has zeke's hand ever just like brushed across your butt as you left the house, because that happened to me once.
Speaker 1:No, but it is very close it is.
Speaker 3:Apparently, it's been quite handy with Simon as well when he's coming in the house. We also have a really big life update, which is zombie. Ween 2024 game show is coming. We're recording it. A week from today, october 12th, we're recording it. It's coming out as a two-part series, october 20th and october 27th, and I don't even think I can explain why this gives me so much fucking joy. Except for that, I get to pretend I'm rupaul, sort of, because it's kind of like that. But this year we have an unbelievable slate of eight contestants actually nine, because one of them is a dynamic duo, jl and lindsey of an ashy press, and it's going to be wild, it's going to be chaos is that going to work in their favor, or will it be a uh, a handicap?
Speaker 3:I don't know, but you heard it here first laurie calcaterra is going up against jl and lindsey in the very first round. First episode reigning zombie wean queen is back to secure her crown will she maybe we don't know, but there's two episodes to find out and it is going to be so much fun yeah, I, uh, I, I can't wait because I I really just want it to go well.
Speaker 1:I hope that I have the energy to last through it.
Speaker 3:Well, that's what I'm there for, but also it's mostly them. Yeah, like we're introducing some people and then they have to do the hard work of asking. We get to ask the questions and they actually have to answer them, but we don't even this year. What we're doing, because we have eight folks, is, or eight contestants, we're going to break them up into two teams and they're going to go head to head over a series of battles and the opposite team is going to vote for the winner within a team, which sounds super confusing and I've got to figure out how to say that more clearly for the actual event. But basically we don't even have to decide who wins.
Speaker 2:Yeah, and they can do whatever they want.
Speaker 3:It's completely out of our hands. All of it is arbitrary. The rules only sort of matter. There is a prize, is it good? I guess that'll depend on the person who receives it and what they think about it.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I mean when, when we picked last year, we tried to pick the absolute most horrible thing we could send somebody and then lynn, or uh, and then laurie loved it, yeah, la. Yeah, lori thought it was amazing. It's still in Lori's car, yeah.
Speaker 3:Goosh the baby zombie, blow up baby zombie. And also there's t-shirts. So if you want to get a Zombieween Game Show 2024 t-shirt, that is going to be available. I'm working on some other stuff for merch, but it's probably not going to come out until Dan is done work for the season, so, like December, so much has to wait for me to just be done. Yeah, there's just not time and I don't know how to do those things. Well enough, I'm just learning canva. All of the zombie ween stuff is me. So if you don't like it, it's because I don't know what I'm doing, but I'm trying canva's fun?
Speaker 1:it is, you know, I mean, I've I've been doing know design stuff for a long time. You know I'm I'm a pro in in Photoshop. Um, yeah, I've, I've used, I've used so many things and have amassed varying levels of of skill and doing this stuff. But I go to Canva and I'm like I I feel like a giddy child just looking through the, like, the, the, the assets that it offers and all the things that it just does out of the box for you. I'm just like, oh, this is fun, it's fun to make things instead of the grinding that I would have to do in years prior to get the same result.
Speaker 3:Last year I made the promotions for Zombieween in Google Slides and they were so terrible I think I'm just going to delete them. They were so ugly and I think these ones are better. But again, I'm not a graphic designer, so we do our best around here. But it is fun. I think they look great. Thanks, I mean, what's going to be great is the contestants. They're all amazing. If you want to know who the other contestants are, we're going to be releasing their bios this week on instagram, so follow us at zombie book club podcast and you'll see them there's. There's already a list, but what you're going to learn is what makes them a badass this week and see a picture. So check it out. There's already one out, isn't there? Laurie is announced as the reigning zombieed queen. Yes, she has been announced as a contestant. Yeah, so, dan, what are you reading lately?
Speaker 1:oh, so this is. This is kind of fun because I was reading elm juniper's book. How we end, I think, is what it's called. I finished it, um, what I found in that book was that in their book they have a book recommendation for another book. It's kind of awesome Because their character is a big fan of this book series.
Speaker 1:At first I didn't even know if it was a real person because I'd never heard of this person. So I looked the person up Sarah Lyons Fleming and I'm sure there's somebody listening out there like don't know who sarah lions fleming is, because at this point I am on the third book. Wow, and it is incredible. And I'm I'm so happy that I learned about this through elm's book, because I don't know if I would have ever ever learned about. Well, I probably would have eventually, but, uh, but I'm really happy it's, it's really great, it's um, it's like little house on the prairie meets 28 days later what a nice little nugget to have in a book too, like you've got one excellent zombie apocalypse book that then refers to another zombie apocalypse book and I definitely see, like the um, the, the influences between between those books, like I can see how Elm was inspired by Sarah Lyons Fleming's book.
Speaker 3:That's really cool. It's in all the best ways and we're going to meet him actually for zombie ween. He's another contestant and we're interviewing him for how we end. Yeah, uh, so that is very exciting.
Speaker 1:Yeah, so that is very exciting. Yeah, I can't wait. I love Dalm's book and I have to. There's also a novella that I haven't read yet, I believe.
Speaker 3:How we Began.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 3:And then there's another one that's going to be coming, called how we Survive.
Speaker 1:Yeah, so I'm excited, I can't wait.
Speaker 3:Me too. I'm very excited to talk with him. I am reading right now Joe Salazar's book, which I just talked about, the Dead Weight. So I will say, you know, I remember when you were reading it and you were reading it. I can't even imagine you were reading it with like an e-reader as a PDF.
Speaker 3:I was using my text to voice tool while driving text to voice tool while driving, which I want to say is a testament to just how good of a book this is. Because, as like that, you came back every day and you were like this is such a good book, you're gonna love it.
Speaker 1:Leah and then those text readers, they really, they really deliver it in a way that like it has to be a good story, otherwise you're just like nope yeah, and the voice actor who's doing the audiobook for joe for the dead weight is really good.
Speaker 3:I'm gonna give them a shout out because they deserve it. I just gotta go to joe's page. They're really good at giving very distinct voices for the different characters and it it just brings them to life in such a great way. Their name is megan sinclair. That's the voice actor for the dead weight. That sounds familiar? Yeah, I don't think they. I don't see, uh, an instagram handle to tag them in, but megan sinclair. You can just go to at underscore joe, underscore salazar underscore, and you'll see uh let's show salazar about megan sinclair yes, but.
Speaker 3:But I will say like I knew it was going to be good. But it's the kind of book that within the first three paragraphs, I'm like I want this to be a movie because you can see it so clearly. The characters are immediately compelling, it's very character driven and Quinn is so disturbing in the best way. Yeah, the main character.
Speaker 1:I, I, I regret not having been able to read it when we talked to Joe about the book, because now I have lots of questions but I'm I'm only like in chapter six or something like that. So it's very early days. Well, you know what? Um, I have a feeling that that is not going to be the last time that we talk to joe about, uh, about her books, so you'll have plenty of opportunity that's right.
Speaker 3:I think joe's working on a sequel right now for the dead. Hurry up. And speaking of awesome books, Polymorphous Lee sent us a book pitch.
Speaker 1:Yeah, are we going to do that right now?
Speaker 3:We're going to do that right now.
Speaker 1:I like that. Let's do it right now.
Speaker 3:Yeah. So I'm ashamed to say that I had never heard of Polymorphous Lee before Me either, until I got an email. We got an email at zombiebookclubpodcasts at gmailcom and this is the email it says Dear Dan and Leah, I wrote a book of zombie erotica and I was like already sold.
Speaker 1:Say no more.
Speaker 3:And I wondered if you'd like to take a look. The year is 3169 and zealots have tried to resurrect Ronald Hump, but instead they accidentally trigger a zombie infestation. These zombies have blonde toupees, orange skin and moan pussy instead of brains. The key to ending the infestation is strange green cucumber like appendage between their legs. Oh yeah, and I was just like I absolutely had to. And then I scrolled down and uh, polly sent an image of this book, the zombie re-erection. Only sex can save us, and it's just wonderful. So we're also hoping to have polly on the show in the future, but for now, I'd love for you all to join us in the elevator. Let's all pack in. Yeah, I'm gonna hit the call button.
Speaker 1:Are we going? Are we going to go up or are we?
Speaker 3:going down. Oh, we're going down. We're going down to 69, baby, all right level level floor 69 we got to give people a chance. I'm holding the door open for anybody who needs to exit, because this is if you think the Z word by Lindsay King Miller is spicy, you need to get off this elevator right now. Leah's actually holding a button. I am. I'm that serious. Get off the elevator. Come back in about three to five minutes.
Speaker 1:You can cover your ears inside the elevator. Um, we're going to be making eye contact the whole time and it's going to be really awkward.
Speaker 3:It's going to be deeply awkward as we laugh about 69. Okay, are you ready to go down to 69, dan?
Speaker 2:yeah, let's 69, let's see sex zombies and ronald hump. The year is 3169, the earth is a bisexual utopia, until an outbreak of ronald hump zombies, or hum, threatens to engulf America. The Humbies' skin glows a freakish orange, they grow strange yellow toupees and their battle cry is not brains but pussy. All is not lost. A bulbous green, easily excitable cucumber-like appendage hanging between their legs holds the key to their salvation. The zombie re-erection documents two key moments in the outbreak. In the first, mara has just been turned into a humby, so her friends, lovers and bandmates, tara, sarah and Lara, tie her up and put on one last sex show. I felt Mara's eyes on my palpitating pussy, felt specks of her zombie drool splatter at my buttocks as they convulsed, and every now and again I felt that green monstrosity bounce against the vigorous vibrator. I heard her groaning, trying to release the word pussy again and again.
Speaker 2:In the second story, set later in the infestation, a BDSM dungeon has opened its cages to help turn humbies back into humans. Oscar Mistress DeVille's hunky henchman is in a cage looking down as his dom finally gives his friend Carl what he wants. He gave his emerald weapon one last tug and it exploded, sending green junk up into the air showered down on the scene below, mistress Deville leapt from Carl's cock just in time for me to see him shoot a fountain of suppressed lust all over her buttocks. Gasping, carl opened his mouth wide and guzzled down his beloved Oscar's zombie juice, his eyes shining with relief and joy. In these serious times, when so much hangs in the balance, read a fun, smutty book and dream of how free humans could be.
Speaker 3:You gotta hit the applause button for this. Seriously, I One of the things. Dan and I made awkward eye contact to each other the entire time listening to that oh, you know what I've?
Speaker 1:I've never heard the word buttocks used in such a way, in such a sexy way yeah I love, it like tara, sarah and lara and I mean when, when we read books, especially from people that we talk to and become friends with, we always are like what if this was a movie? But what if this was?
Speaker 3:a movie. It'd be the first full length porno I would want to watch since the Pirates porno.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I forget what it's called. Can we get the Pirates people to make a comeback? Do you know what I'm talking about? I think it was just called Pirates. I remember it very well, I never saw it.
Speaker 3:I watched it with my best friend, kate, and her husband it sounds so inappropriate and a bunch of other friends back in like 2010. Yeah, how does it end? I don't remember, but I'm sure there was. I mean, it wasn't green, uh goo, but there was stuff coming out, yeah. But regardless, I think that this is the next pirates. This is license this story from you polymorphously this is the movie we deserve it is.
Speaker 3:I also just love the idea of, like a sexually free society where being bi is like the norm, it's expected, and if you're not, then people are like, oh okay, cool, you only go one way, that's cool yeah, people are probably be like that sounds boring.
Speaker 1:Well, you can only have sex with one kind of people.
Speaker 3:I just think this person is hilarious of a human I love like. How did you come up with this idea? That's what I want to know. I've seen some really great reviews of people reading this over their cup of coffee, so highly recommend that you go check it out. It's polymorphous, leaves the zombie re-erection. Only sex can save us and, yes, it is starring ronald hump. Yeah, um, I think this is a must read on election day in the united states.
Speaker 1:Yeah let, yeah, let's all get this book and read it on November 5th. That's the day right. No, it's November 4th.
Speaker 3:November 4th, what I'm pretty sure, no, hold on. This is really pitiful. This is what Americans are. Yeah, november 4th. The Canadian immigrant knows.
Speaker 1:That's impossible. It's November 4th. I think that this is fake news.
Speaker 3:Wait, now you've got me questioning everything. You're gaslighting me, dan. Okay, now I have to look it up. This is really embarrassing. Well, this one says November 5th. Wait, election day 2024 in the United States. Oh, interesting. So apparently it's the Tuesday following the first Monday in November, so it can actually are both correct. It can fall on or between November 2nd and November 8th.
Speaker 1:This is foreign election interference. Leah and I will not stand idly by while you destroy our democracy.
Speaker 3:You are right, it is November 5th this year. Why do I think it's November 4th? That would have been, that would have been awkward showing up at the polling station on november 4th and being like I want to vote. Anybody who thought we had any level of intelligence or awareness of the world just was like oh what's this we stuff I was right.
Speaker 3:Well, you're the american. But actually neither of us are right, because it changes. I'm looking at a list of dates, but you know the sad thing, I don't know why. Oh, next year it's the fourth. Well, we're not voting for election day, we're not.
Speaker 1:We're not voting for a president next year. It's the 4th. Well, we're not voting for For another election day. We're not voting for a president next year.
Speaker 3:We're not voting for anybody's name. Who sounds? Like Ronald Hump both theoretically or in reality. But also there is a person similar to Ronald Hump. Who is it? I'm not saying their name, I think people can figure that out. They're one of the two options, dan Kamala Harris. How dare you? One of the two options, dan kamala?
Speaker 1:harris, how dare you? Oh, how could I be, how could I be so? Uh, mistaken. Joe biden rfk jr.
Speaker 3:No, jill stein maybe no, but truly polly. Thank you so much for reaching out to us and sharing that. Uh, and also being game to do to do the book pitch Hands down the most scandalous thing we've ever played. But it's been a long time coming because I've always wanted to read zombie erotica for this podcast and Dan has heard me say many a time that I think that sex is not like it's interesting, because I think sex is something that is overplayed badly in a lot of media, but I think it's underplayed in the apocalypse, like there's no way people aren't fucking in the apocalypse.
Speaker 1:You know something that I think is true, and you know, I think people who write sex well deserve so much more credit, because I think it's something that's hard to write.
Speaker 3:Yeah, yeah, and just those couple of clips like they sound incredible. Yeah, I'm reading this, this. It's on my to be read list already. I'm going to also read it over a cup of coffee before I go to work. Yeah, just maybe it's a bad idea for timing, I don't know.
Speaker 1:Just make sure that you don't have your cup of coffee while reading in front of your computer, because then you'll just spit coffee all over your computer screen that's also really possible, I also.
Speaker 3:I also think that Polly's on to something about sex is the way to save us, because our closest living relative is the bonobo and Dan, I've told you many times how do bonobos resolve conflicts with each other.
Speaker 1:They bang.
Speaker 3:They do, yeah, they bang everybody.
Speaker 1:Yeah, there's zero bang discrimination.
Speaker 3:I mean, I don't know that for sure. I don't know if people, I don't know if there's incest, it's not porn hub, so I don't know do we need to develop a bonobo porn hub, bonobo hub, and then get bonobo chimps on the internet? To see what their preferences are.
Speaker 1:We can collect data on the bonobos this way I am not pro bonobo. Subject research because they can't consent no well, that's what the thing the end user agreement at the beginning is.
Speaker 3:If they check the box, they consent I mean, I guess we could teach them what it means, because they're pretty smart creatures, yeah, but my point is is that polly's very smart? I? I'm not saying that we should all have sex with each other to resolve our conflicts, but what I am saying is a tried and true technique for our very close relatives. So there's something there about physical touch and addressing issues.
Speaker 1:And you know, I think that we can look at the data going on right now, but the most sexually repressed people are some of the most fucked up people right now.
Speaker 3:Yeah, they're totally. Ronald H, some of the most fucked up people right now.
Speaker 1:Yeah, they're totally Ronald humps. Yeah, like the world, you know if, if you need any, any data to suggest that not getting laid is uh what leads to um derangement and violence. Uh, just look at incels.
Speaker 3:Yeah, but if you say that, then that's their excuse, is like they're not getting. You know, women are withholding from them sex I do see the predicament yeah, I don't think it's.
Speaker 3:I don't think it's. What they're not getting laid is the people who choose to repress themselves, like, the folks who are like vehemently if I don't even know how that word is said vehemently somebody let us know how it's right. I've only ever read it, just tried to say it for the first time at 40 years old. My point is is there's a lot of homophobic people who are politicians in this country who later we discover are themselves gay?
Speaker 1:yeah, so yeah, there's a lot of repression going on for sure you know, one of my favorite things that happened during this election cycle is when the when the rnc, the the republican national convention, was going on in chicago I want to say I think it was chicago. Anyways, during that week the um the grinder servers crashed. They could not handle all the extra load of people looking up hookups because of the rnc convention.
Speaker 3:Wow this is why the world needs to be by. I don't think everybody needs to be by. I'm saying that the world should be like like yeah, by being the norm would be amazing. Also, I have another question for you, dan, as a segue into our would you eat your pets in the apocalypse question? Okay if saving the world involved a strange green cucumber like appendage, would you be willing to participate in world saving by stroking, manipulating, taking care of the green cucumber like appendage? And maybe you need to just bleep this part out?
Speaker 1:I'm gonna say no, and here's my reason is that I don't want to save the world. Oh now if, if we phrase this as if I, if I stroke a green appendage, zombies will come out of the ground and eat everybody and return the land back to the animals and, uh, and stop this fucking chaos, nightmare that we created. Um, I'm gonna give it a solid. Maybe I'd really think about it, you know. Good for you, dan. You know, I would definitely do it. I know how, I know how to, I know how it works, so it. So it's not a technical proficiency issue.
Speaker 3:It sounds like a two-hander situation, though from what's being described.
Speaker 1:It's a couple minutes of my life to make things better. How kind of you? Yeah, so really, it's the same question, it's just I want a different outcome.
Speaker 3:That makes sense.
Speaker 1:Except for the fact that you just told me at the beginning of this podcast that you would immediately die in a zombie apocalypse I would, I'd be okay with it.
Speaker 3:Yeah, I mean I it's. I mean you know what being a zombie is in this? World, though this is my existential in this world, you'd become a blonde, toupee, orange skin zombie who moans pussy instead of brains. Is that what you want?
Speaker 1:yeah, I'm gonna have to really think about this. I think I'll come back.
Speaker 3:I'll get back to you later yeah, we're gonna pause this discussion and move on to the main topic, which is pets.
Speaker 1:Pets in the apocalypse yeah which one, which which pet is the best one? The?
Speaker 3:best pet in the apocalypse? Um, I don't think that that'd be hard general, you have to pick one, pet it.
Speaker 1:It's the best one. I'm going to say a ferret. All right, now let's move on to this list.
Speaker 3:What would you say, Dan?
Speaker 1:Oh boy Turtle.
Speaker 3:That is not on my top five list.
Speaker 1:Yeah, but that's just my answer for best pet.
Speaker 3:Why a turtle? What's great about a turtle in?
Speaker 1:the apocalypse. They're really snuggly. A lot of people don't know that they have salmonella. They can make you sick yeah, but you know that's just a trade-off. Don't put. Don't put your turtle in your mouth. That's all you got to do. Wash your hands after you touch it. Wash your hands, um yeah, they keep them themselves. They have a hard protective shell, so you don't have to worry about them too much. They love eating hamburger, do they? The ones I had did?
Speaker 3:Wait, you had turtles that you fed hamburger.
Speaker 1:Yeah, we had a 40-pound alligator snapping turtle.
Speaker 3:Oh, I remember this story now.
Speaker 1:Yeah, my dad found it on the side of the road with a cracked shell because it got ran over by a dump truck, oh my God. So he brought it back to the house and it was cracked in three places, like a big fracture through the whole shell. This thing was huge and he brought it back and put it in a steel water basin type thing in the backyard and every day he fed it raw hamburger. Wow, and he loved it. Ate it, ate it up and then, um, you know, after a couple of months that shell healed up. He had a big scar right through the middle of it. Um, and now, as an adult, I don't know if this is true, but this is how the story goes. Okay, my dad was sometimes full of, but the story goes. The turtle escaped and we went back to the steel basin and we saw like scratch marks through the side of the metal basin and like clawed its way out and then took off.
Speaker 3:It shredded the basin.
Speaker 1:Yeah, Like it didn't claw all the way through, but it was really close to penetrating that galvanized steel. So that's the part. I don't know if it's true or not, because my dad would do things like after a bat got into the house once. He chased it around the house and then threw the microwave door closed and hit the button to turn on the microwave. Then he pulled out a plate of this dark liquid ooze. He's like it melted. That's fucked up. Yeah, it was butter.
Speaker 3:I understand, but that's really messed up.
Speaker 1:The bat out the door and then microwave butter and made me believe it was a bat.
Speaker 3:That's what I'm saying is fucked up. I know it's not a bat, so maybe Don't do this to your children, maybe.
Speaker 1:I think it's possible that this turtle didn't claw its way through a galvanized steel tub, but I also. This turtle was fucking crazy too, Like it would do crazy things. First of all, it was fast.
Speaker 3:It would chase us around the front yard so you let it out of the tub somewhere, and then we'd put it back in pull it out and we'd let it walk around, get some exercise, eat some bugs.
Speaker 3:We take it for walks how did you take an alligator snapping turtle for walks? Put a leash on it? The look on my face right now that you all could see. I don't know if I believe this, because I've also had this is how you know. We're both country kids. I've also had a number of encounters with alligator snapping turtles and I would never, ever, ever, put a leash on one.
Speaker 1:Yeah, fun thing about snapping turtles especially is that they like to snap at your fingers.
Speaker 3:Yeah, that's why I wouldn't be doing any of these things.
Speaker 1:And we used to pick it up, holding onto the sides of its shell because we're like I can't get our hands over here. And it never did. But one time we were just like turning it around to turn it back into the, you know, to walk back towards where we wanted it to go. You just kind of spin him around and he'd walk that direction go. You just kind of spin him around and he'd walk that direction. Um, and we did it by grabbing his tail and swinging him around and his neck came all the way around and snapped at our fingers touching his tail. Wow, and that's when we realized, oh, our hands aren't safe when we're just touching the sides of his shell. No, he was just tolerating us because we brought him.
Speaker 3:So tell me again why your friend the snapping turtle is a good idea for a pet in the apocalypse.
Speaker 1:Oh, he's just cool.
Speaker 3:That's your criteria. He's just cool.
Speaker 1:He's a cool guy.
Speaker 3:Well, let me tell you why I think ferrets or Willie the weasel would be helpful as a pet. Yeah, they're trainable, they're also cuddly and can keep you warm. And they will keep rodents away and like if anybody's watched the tv show alone where somebody has to make it at least 100 days out in the middle of nowhere, like the arctic for example, with nothing but whatever they have to bring on uh with them. The mice get like pretty aggressive with, trying to eat your stuff, destroy your uh sleeping bag, whatever. Rodents would be a real problem in the apocalypse. So I'm team weasel.
Speaker 1:You know, and this is getting into our list, the middle of the list, we're starting in the middle. But yeah, ferret, I think would actually be a really great idea. Have I told the story of Willie the Weasel on this podcast A couple times. I don't know what episode. It was recent. So if somebody knows, let us know.
Speaker 3:You told it on your episode.
Speaker 1:Oh, okay, well, weasels, they can be very friendly if they like you. They're really cute and they will also climb into your sleeping bag with you if you let them and don't move too much. So, yeah, like if, if you're worried about rodents, those weasels will go right into the sleeping bag and get the rodents out for you.
Speaker 3:Yeah, it makes me think about where our horse Atlas lived. They had ferrets and they literally sold ferret poop to family and friends around the area, because apparently, if you put ferret poop in your house, all of the mice will leave. Yeah, I don't know if it's true. I have not verified this.
Speaker 1:I've heard that too. Because they can smell it, it's a predator. Yeah, there's so many benefits to something like a weasel or a ferret. I've never had ferrets, but I've had a weasel, and the weasel wasn't necessarily a pet, because it just lived in the house I'm googling difference between a ferret and a weasel, because I honestly don't know they're very similar, they're like in the same family of animals, um.
Speaker 1:But like we didn't feed willie the weasel, we didn't give willie any water, we didn't give willie any food, willie just lived in the house with us, um, and it was like is our cabin. We didn't live there all the time, so the cabin was more willie's house than it was ours, um, and willie would just live there and eat the mice and then sometimes would come downstairs and look at us from from the staircase, curious what these animals are doing in his house. I mean, that makes sense, yeah, and then snuggle up to us to enjoy some of our warmth but I like that because, um, yeah, I like an independent pat.
Speaker 3:Uh, yeah, I like an independent pet, not a pat. I'd like to pat an independent pet. I feel like I'm making a new tongue twister.
Speaker 1:It it's twisting my own tongue yeah.
Speaker 1:So yeah, I think they'd be really useful Because they're so independent, they can just move out whenever they want and you don't have much say over that. Like a ferret maybe is a little bit different, because you can put a ferret in a cage. I guess you could put a weasel in a cage, but it kind of defeats the purpose of them being a predator in your house. But Kind of defeats the purpose of them being a predator in your house. But they can just move on and they don't really have an attachment to you, so like they're not necessarily very pet-like, they're just kind of like a roommate that you don't know when they're going to move out.
Speaker 3:That's a weasel. I'm literally Googling right now. Can ferrets bond with humans? They can learn to see humans as companions and form a strong emotional bond with their owners. So I don't know that's necessarily true I mean I think you have to earn it.
Speaker 3:I mean it's not yeah, it's not much different from other animals I mean, I think that's fair, because what the things that always feels messed up about pets is, they're basically our hostages yeah you know, like at least with a ferret or a weasel. If they can, if they can leave and they can self-survive, then that's their right. It becomes a mutually beneficial, agreed-upon relationship instead of a you-are-trapped-here-with-me-and-I-will-feed-you-sometimes relationship.
Speaker 1:Yeah, but you know with that independence also means that you don't have the responsibilities of having to care for a weasel or ferret?
Speaker 3:yeah, in the same way that you do some other animals. Yeah, like a horse, of course, so a horse. This is, according to the internet, that horses provide fuel-free transportation. I want to say up top, they do provide information absolutely not, but it is not fuel-free okay, it's fossil fuel-free yeah you don't have to plug them in, no, but like if you're if you're growing corn to.
Speaker 3:I guess this is true. If you want to grow corn to make ethanol to, to produce like to make cars go, you could just feed a horse some corn. It's probably more efficient to feed.
Speaker 1:They shouldn't eat a lot of corn.
Speaker 3:But the problem is that you need what's called an easy keeper of a horse. You need a, um, a shenanigans, which was one of atlas's, our horses, uh, pasture buddies. Her name was shenanigans and she's like me. She doesn't need to eat very much and she's rotund and beautiful. Yeah, she eats a mouthful of grass, and she's just round yeah, she's round, she's curvy, she's got great ass, beautiful, luscious locks. She's still alive, as far as we know yeah, we just haven't seen her in a while.
Speaker 3:She, yeah, that makes me sad, but she was also a bitch, which I love too.
Speaker 1:That was my favorite part about she had excellent boundaries.
Speaker 3:Like you, don't fuck with shenanigans. Yeah, you don't. Um, she likes me though. Yeah she, as long as you're respectful like you, it has to be respect again, like I think a thing I like about a horse like Shenanigans is it is a mutually beneficial relationship. Otherwise, she's going to kick you, bite you, throw you off if you try to ride her. Yeah, so I appreciate that about Shenanigans, but I think I would want a Shenanigans-type horse in the apocalypse.
Speaker 1:I don't think Shenanigans would let anyone ride her shenanigans without anyone rider.
Speaker 3:Um, I think she was pulling carts, which is also very helpful in the apocalypse. She could pull carts, uh, but regardless, I would want a shenanigans type horse because low, low fuel, high, high fuel efficiency. Yeah, she does need some grass and she's gonna be fine, you know, I, I would.
Speaker 1:I would dare say that growing grain or corn to feed to a horse is probably way more efficient than making ethanol to run a car.
Speaker 3:Yeah, I don't even get me started on my thoughts about ethanol.
Speaker 1:Granted, you can turn a car off until you need it to be on. Horses are turned on all the time.
Speaker 3:Yeah Well, we wouldn't want. Rest in peace, atlas. Love him so much. Worst pet to have in the apocalypse. I think in the short run he would have been great because he would have helped us out getting places, although he would have been scared of every puddle we walked by. So there would be that there would be no going through water with atlas. I think he would have been afraid of zombies. I definitely think he would have been afraid of zombies.
Speaker 1:Yes, he would have gotten spooked and just ran off yeah, but he's very good.
Speaker 3:You know, the couple times I fell off him, not very much, but when it did happen he would always stop and make sure I was OK. He was not the kind of horse that would just like run off. So he's very sweet and I think he was brave. He just was out of practice. I think in the apocalypse he'd be like yeah, I got to take care of my people and this horse ate so much friggin grain. His, his grain bill every month was like 80 bucks. It was an insane amount of food and even then he was still barely at the correct weight 90 of the time it was like an endless attempt to keep this horse, and that's also grass and hay yeah that's on top of like him, being in the field all day eating every blade of grass.
Speaker 3:Yeah there'd be times where I'd have to pull like pour straight up vegetable oil on his food to help him gain weight Anytime he would get sick or an injury. He would just drop weight immediately and then I'd have to do everything under the sun to make this horse get fat. So they are great for transportation. If they're trained well, they can be a really great companion. They are very snuggly and, in my humble opinion, smell wonderful.
Speaker 3:I know not everybody agrees with me on that, but I used to love huffing atlas's neck. Yeah, they are. They're a producer of fertilizer. That's also true great for gardening.
Speaker 1:Yeah, um I you can't say that about ferret poop.
Speaker 3:Yeah, you're not making a compost pile out of ferret poop I bet you you could make a compost pile out of ferret poop why not? You know what?
Speaker 1:and keep the mice from going in your garden I guess.
Speaker 3:Well, I know there's risks if you, if you use poop from an animal that eats meat, there's risks. So maybe not, maybe put it around, uh, for like, I think you could use it for, like, fruit bearing trees and bushes. I'm pretty sure there's like some things you can use it for, but you definitely wouldn't want to use it for your vegetables.
Speaker 1:Yeah, but horses we're good. Yeah, golden, you know, amazing, amazing fertilizer yeah, let's, uh, let's talk about everyone's most people's favorite. What's that?
Speaker 3:dogs doggos yeah, why do you think that they're a great pet in the apocalypse?
Speaker 1:well, I think we all, we all know why dogs are great. Um, they're lovable. They have big, doughy eyes that uh, draw you in and make you want to scratch their little faces and play with their ears.
Speaker 1:Yeah, little floppy, soft ears they're also great protectors, most of them, anyway. I did see recently a uh, a video on instagram of a dog being scared by their owner who was wearing a Halloween mask, that's right and they took off scrambling on the hardwood floor like doing dog burnouts all the way through the house and then jumped out the window of their bedroom it was the first floor. It wasn't like they jumped to their death, poor dog. It just kept going. It's just like I'm out. They gave that dog nightmares for sure. But usually great protector, um, good hunter, you know, these are things that you would have to work on because, like you know, most dogs have the instinct to be like squirrel and just run after it and tear it apart.
Speaker 1:But uh, you can also tell your, tell your dog hey, bring that squirrel here and we can share it we can also train dogs to drive. We've learned we have learned in new zealand. Yeah, there are dogs now that have driver's licenses. They have been licensed to drive cars.
Speaker 3:This is not a joke, google it, yeah uh. So that could be helpful. They can be great multitaskers. You can train them. I mean, like I've seen people train dogs to like help them fold their not fold their laundry, but like put their laundry in the basket, go get them a beer from the fridge. Oh yeah, like, if you've got a really great relationship with a dog and you can teach it to not bark, or teach it to bark on command for very specific things, I think you'd be fine. I think if your dog is like our dog, nero, we will die very shortly after the apocalypse starts with zombies.
Speaker 1:But you know he's been doing a lot better.
Speaker 3:That's because I've been working with him, you know every time I call him to come, now he comes.
Speaker 1:Yeah, that's really good, which is a big deal.
Speaker 3:I know it sounds everybody's like yeah, that's what your dog should do. No, not Nero, not when he's barking in the corner of our yard.
Speaker 1:Yeah, they are loyal companions. A few small exceptions, yeah, but a very small amount are are an exception, and they're so snuggly. Um, you know, if you do have a barky dog, you know that's not always bad, because they can be used to alert you of the danger. They can also draw zombies away. But then it's like, well, you're on your own now.
Speaker 3:Hope you figure out to stop barking in a worst scenario, there are muzzles you can put on a dog that will stop them from barking, which I would not want to do because it's not. I don't think it's very nice to do that to an animal, but in the apocalypse you best believe I'd be raiding a PetSmart and going to get a muzzle that would stop Nero from barking.
Speaker 1:Like and I'd only and socks. We've seen this on the internet recently.
Speaker 3:Yes.
Speaker 1:People have been selling these things that like, basically it takes dog fur and winds it up into yarn, basically, and now I kind of want one because we have Ziggy and Ziggy produces a lot of yarn. Hmm, he does. Let's move on to cats. Cats Everybody's second favorite pet, or most favorite pet.
Speaker 3:For the cat lovers who listen to us, they're going to be a little annoyed that it took so long. A Quiet Place a movie we watched recently, quiet Place Day One, had a cat who I would say, dare say, was pretty close to the main character in my opinion.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I mean, that was an exceptional cat.
Speaker 3:Yes.
Speaker 1:I will say I mean that cat survived underwater and didn't immediately claw somebody's face off when it was released, yeah, from its cage.
Speaker 3:that was a very understanding cat yeah, they knew it was that they were also not very loud, like some cats are very loud as well. Yeah, well, you know what?
Speaker 1:here's. The thing is this this would be a pro? Um for cats is that even at their loudest they are not anywhere close to as loud as a dog like. At their loudest they're like meowing um, that's true, maybe if they knock things over but if they run to another cat.
Speaker 3:Have you heard two cats talking to each other through a window before? Because that is like the first time I heard that I was a kid and my cat was staring out the window at another cat and I thought that there was a baby screaming in our house. It was one of the most disturbing sounds I've ever heard. Yeah, but they're a great companion.
Speaker 1:They're cuddly, they are a lot like a ferret yeah, they, they've got the low maintenance thing of a ferret keep the rodents away.
Speaker 3:They can climb up trees and get out of a way for safety too like they can do that.
Speaker 1:I mean, I've seen I've seen some videos of dogs climbing trees, but Really it's true that it's not common. Here's the thing about cats as well, and many cat owners can attest to this if you have an outdoor cat, is that they will also bring you food.
Speaker 3:Yeah, I guess, if you want to eat some mice or birds Mice or birds that they've tortured, yeah, extensively, before killing, yeah.
Speaker 1:And I think that this is kind of like cats. Cats want to provide for us. So do dogs. Dogs and cats both want to provide for us, um, and that's sometimes why they bring us dead animals, because they think that we'll like them. But you know what, if you're starving in the zombie apocalypse, those birds I mean, I don't know if I'd eat a mouse right away but you get a couple birds. Put it in a stew that might get you through a hard winter every now and then.
Speaker 3:I mean I'd be willing you got to survive. Speaking of birds and stew, my last preferred pet in an apocalypse is a homing pigeon.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 3:Also backing up to would you eat your pet? Would you eat your homing pigeon? Yeah, also back up like backing up to would you eat your pet? Would you eat your homing pigeon in a pinch? Yeah, I don't know.
Speaker 1:I wouldn't you know, if you put enough work in to train a homing pigeon? Um, I feel like you wouldn't want. You wouldn't want to eat that. But maybe you could train your homing pigeon to bring you other pigeons are you so?
Speaker 3:basically you wanted to betray their kind?
Speaker 1:yeah, okay hey, uh, um, I don't know where I was going with that anyways, uh, so homing pigeons, you know not used as much these days, but they are out there. You can send messages over really long distances, um, if you, if you know how to do it, um, and I think you know if, if society collapses in a big way, things like homing pigeons might become very important I think so.
Speaker 3:We need them to communicate with each other yeah um, and they can't. They're definitely not going to get eaten by a zombie, because they're in the sky and last I checked, we don't. I don't think you know what. This is the new concept. I'm looking for folks. I want flying zombies, flying zombies uh, resident evil had infected ravens.
Speaker 1:Oh my god, that's scary. But resident evil also had infected everything. So any zombie apocalypse that also has infected animals, like zoonautical shift type virus? Um, yeah, I don't know about any cons of a homing pigeon. I will say that one pro of the homing pigeon is that, like you know, if you have to be on the move from zombies um, pets become very difficult. Bringing along a horse, even if it is your mode of transportation, like you got to take care of that horse. Bring a cat, you got to put it in a crate. That cat's not going to. I mean, maybe the cat like follows you.
Speaker 3:I mean Frodo the cat and A Quiet Place. Day One is like a badass cat.
Speaker 3:Dogs are sometimes hard to reel in if you have them off leash, but a homing pigeon might just fly off and you might not see it for a few days, and then it finds you back you know this conversation, that you realize how important it is to invest time in building a really strong relationship with your pet so they don't just run off and also they don't do things that would be counterproductive in an apocalypse, because they're probably not great. Yeah, in real life, like nero going to the corner of the yard and barking bark yeah I think it's because yeah, quietly.
Speaker 1:Yeah, he's, he's, he's, he's. You know he looks a little confused.
Speaker 3:He's been doing better, though yeah, we got on some medication. He's such a sweet boy. He's got some, some chewies, some chews, yeah, with them, some glucosamine and stuff. So this brings me back to would you eat your pet in a zombie apocalypse? We asked this of people wow, okay, on the internet and would you like? Okay. So these are the options I gave. Would you eat your pets in a zombie apocalypse? We asked this of people wow, okay, on the internet and would you like? Okay. So these were the options I gave. Would you eat your pets in a zombie apocalypse? Absolutely. We got zero percent response. So glad that you all passed the test.
Speaker 1:Yeah, because I'd be booting anybody who said yes, I mean, it's kind of like would you eat a family member?
Speaker 3:and the next one was I'd let them eat me instead. How many people, do you think, said yes to that? Oh boy, 50%. 38% said they would let them eat them instead. That's love. And the last option was can we share their pet food, which was 62%.
Speaker 1:You know what? Which of these animals would you prefer most to share their food with? Oh, that's really rough. So homing pigeon we're talking like bird seed right, I mean yeah, horses is like, definitely not a horse grain. Definitely not a cat. Yeah, definitely, cat is at the bottom of my list.
Speaker 3:I would say a dog, because dogs are omnivorous. Yeah, so we could eat a lot of the same things. Here's the thing about ps dogs aren't carnivores. If you think they're carnivores, they're actually, uh, omnivores like humans sidebar.
Speaker 1:Here's the thing about uh, dog food. Um, in the 1800s, during the civil war, soldiers used to eat these rations called hardtack. Um, you can look up recipes for hard tack, but essentially it's all of these scraps of ingredients that's formed into a dough and then baked into this really hard cracker, basically, and then they would break off a piece of hard tack, add a little bit of water and that is kind of like food sounds disgusting, disgusting.
Speaker 1:You gotta do what you gotta do, but it has nutrients, it fed you, even if it's disgusting as hell. Soldiers in the Civil War saw displaced dogs that were really hungry come into their camp and start eating their hardtack, and they loved their hardtack. They're like we can't get enough of this hardtack, and that's when they invented kibble. Oh, poor dogs, poor dogs. So if you have dried dog food that is more or less hardtack and in theory you should be able to eat it and be fine, granted it's a different recipe than what they had back in the 1800s. Um, and I've been to factories that make pet food and they a lot of stuff comes in and tankers that says not safe for consumption yeah, because they have grades of meats.
Speaker 3:Yeah, uh, and like that's why I forget what fast foods like this is a triple, a beef burger or whatever, but yeah, they do have grades of meat. I don't really fully understand why.
Speaker 1:I think I in fact I'd prefer not to talk about it because it makes me feel vomitous if if I had to choose, though, because, like we we've seen, like in the walking dead and in movies, where they like eat dog food, like it's always the wet dog food in a can I would much rather eat hard kibble than wet dog yeah, I'd swallow one at a time like a pill, although, oh God, our dog's food smells so bad To me like I know they love it, but I don't like it.
Speaker 3:If you're hungry, I think, then I would prefer the horse food. Actually, I would just I would like to forage with my dog. We can eat a lot of the same things together. Yeah, so I have one more piece to this. Would you eat your pets? Joe Salazar shout out episode. Because Joe responded none of those options worked for her. So she said I plan to eat the people who tried to eat their pets. That's a good answer. I think so too.
Speaker 1:And then I said can I quote you on this? And they said yes, I'd eat people over before I'd eat pets 100%.
Speaker 3:Yeah, Yep, that's. I'm not, I don't I. Yeah, me too.
Speaker 1:Yeah, but only bad people.
Speaker 3:Who decides who's bad? That's always the problem. I do, yeah, so we are on to just a few groans from the horde. I don't think we can do them all today, because there is just way too much awesomeness to share for one episode.
Speaker 1:Yeah, they've been building up, though we got to release some of these groans they have.
Speaker 3:Uh, I'm just looking. Hold on, I'm looking for text from eric. Okay, so our friend eric, who was actually a contestant on 2023 zombie wean game show, sent me a message recently and says, listening to the podcast, there are no perks for working at the Build-A-Bear workshop. We have an actual person who's worked from Build-A-Bear workshop that wanted to follow up on the conversation with Ollie and you about Build-A-Bear workshops. Ollie eats brains. Eric says I worked there as a seasonal job when I was in high school and I actually didn't get kept on after the season because I think they found out that I stole some bears. I really wanted some damn bears as a perk and they didn't offer that, so I took them. Good for you, eric.
Speaker 1:Fuck capitalism, yeah if you know what take, take what you want. Take back the bears. You know. Nothing in this world truly belongs to anyone unless you take it. Yeah, that's what the venture capitalists would say you made your own perks. Thanks for these hot tips, eric. If we work at the build a bear workshop, we can steal as many bears as we want it's true, it's true.
Speaker 3:And then we have one more thing just let people know about, which is that ollie eats brains started a brain muncher zombie collective on discord. Yeah, and we've had lots of cool authors join, some other zombie fans join. It's got us from zion book club podcast listeners of the dead podcast, zompocalypse's podcast there, and just it's generally a good time over there. I'm really enjoying discord, which I never said in the past. Yeah, you know, it's good when we've generally a good time over there.
Speaker 1:I'm really enjoying discord, which I never said in the past. Yeah, you know, it's good when we've got a good group of people in there.
Speaker 3:Yeah, having a good time talking zombies or just whatever. I do absolutely share pictures of my pets for no reason, and other people do too. It's fun, yeah, so that'll be in the show notes If you want to come and hang out with us.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I gotta add it to our show notes.
Speaker 3:And every once in a while Ollie actually streams a horror movie, a zombie movie. So if you catch that, that's really fun.
Speaker 1:Yeah, we've watched a few movies like that. I don't remember any of their names, do you? Bigfoot vs Zombies? That was terrible.
Speaker 3:That was absolutely awful I think it was my fault. I'm pretty sure I said, ollie, could you play that?
Speaker 1:so sorry, uh boy, I kind of want to watch it again. You know what would be great. Like I I don't know, I don't know how much people would enjoy this or not, or how good I would even be at it. But like while we were watching bigfoot versus zombies, I kind of like I was kind of just like making jokes the whole time about how terrible it was, which is very much what, like mystery science theater did with really bad sci fi movies, yeah, and like if we just got a group of people in there and we just made fun of terrible movies while we watch them together, that would be really fun.
Speaker 3:Yeah, I think that'd be a really nice get together at some point in the future. There has been a suggestion by a certain person, also named Joe Salazar, about having a get together at some point in the future like an actual in-person hangout, which is an interesting one, but we haven't thought that through very much yet, but could be fun. I feel like starting with a film night together would be a good start like starting with a uh film night together.
Speaker 1:Yeah, would be a good start. That'd be a good start. I don't. I don't know if I can commit myself to being around people for extended periods of time without an escape plan there.
Speaker 3:Well, actually, joe proposed an escape plan, which is that everybody has their own room and you can disappear anytime you want, and nobody will care.
Speaker 1:I need like an escape hatch so that, like in the middle of a conversation that I don't want to be in, I can just pull a rip cord and I just fall through the floor.
Speaker 3:That's amazing I don't think that would happen very much with our folks, though. That's the thing yeah that's true, and we could also just like all read silently together in the same room. That was a suggestion. We could watch movies in real life together. Yeah, but here's my comment on that. It's one thing to narrate a movie if we're all together on discord, but if you ever verbally narrate a movie with me in the room, I will kick you out. Do not do that. Yeah, I love you. Please don't.
Speaker 1:Well, you know what that's why we watch a bad movie yes, then we can, if we can like talk over the movie, pay attention to it all, like if we were watching a good movie. I'd be like get out.
Speaker 3:Nobody don't even breathe well, do you know what I actually? I don't know if we can make it happen or not, but I do have on our list for episodes the zombiever uh, I forget what it's called. Maybe it's actually zombievers. Yeah, that's. The plan is to get dan very high, uh, when he's done work, and watch that. So maybe we could watch that all streaming together and all of you could enjoy Dan's play-by-play comments to zombie-vers while high.
Speaker 1:That might be hard while high, but sure, why not?
Speaker 3:We'll ease you in Just half a gummy, half a gummy. Well, folks, I think we've come to the end of the show. Your zombie homework is actually next week. Episode 65 is lindsey king miller about the z word.
Speaker 1:We interviewed her back in august yeah, it's just a long time coming on the hard drive just waiting for me to edit it. After I edit this episode, I did not get ahead.
Speaker 3:We were talking about what a spicy book the z-word was, and then we read polymorphously the zombie re-erection only sex can save us and realized that it could be so much more. Oh yeah, two very different worlds, two things. You should absolutely read the z-word by lindsey king miller. If you haven't yet, we're going to talk about that with her next week. And, yeah, get your hands on some ronald hump. Only sex can save us, folks.
Speaker 1:Yeah but uh, thanks everybody, thanks everybody for showing up. Yeah, thanks for listening. You know, uh, you show up every week and we appreciate that yeah, we see, we see people downloading on sunday.
Speaker 3:We've clearly dan once was like we've trained them well, leah, most people are downloading on sunday.
Speaker 1:It is kind of amazing because you know, as as a podcast, like you can just download it whenever you want um, but people have have been like flocking to it immediately as soon as it goes up and I'm like this is, this is like I. I wish that I had this, this sort of response to things when I was a youtuber. This, this type of enthusiasm uh, no offense to anybody who's listening on youtube you've got a couple people who are very responsive on youtube.
Speaker 3:We appreciate you you know it's.
Speaker 1:It's uh, I guess I guess what it was was when I was on youtube. Uh, we're talking like 40 to 50 000 people and then, like six of them were really cool, it was more than that. Like 20 to 30 of them were really cool, um, and then like it's like what's the deal with the rest of you guys?
Speaker 3:but here I feel like I feel like we like there's, there's a really good growing community and it makes me feel really good yeah, that's why I think an in-person thing could be fun and you have a good time as much as I see the terror in your eyes. So if people listening would be interested in some kind of a get together in the future that involves a introvert safety escape hatch, parallel play where we don't really have to look each other in the eyes, and very structured activities. So there's not a lot of like uncomfortable staring at each other in the eyes and very structured activities. So there's not a lot of like um, uncomfortable, uh, staring at each other. And I don't mean like we're gonna do an icebreaker where we have to like find the person who once wore a bunny tail for halloween. I don't mean that. I mean like we play some zombie games, we watch a zombie movie, like stuff like that. Yeah, if that sounds fun or you have other ideas, let us know this is me calling ahead.
Speaker 1:Hello, howard johnson's. Do you have a uh, a uh a room available that has an escape hatch in the floor? When you pull the ripcord, you drop through the floor and disappear dan, I know where we have to have this.
Speaker 3:We have to where nobody else will want to go, though, if we do this. So, dan and I, we have to okay, we have to tell our story of how we met in real life. I don't think we've done that yet. Yeah, have we?
Speaker 3:maybe we have somebody, let us know who listens to us and remembers things better than we do. Either way, we met up in clifton, new jersey, at a howard johnson, yeah, and hung out in a parking lot because I was there for a school trip, because I was 18. I was 18 folks and he was 19, so all legal here, but um could not go into a room because neither of us could afford a separate room and I wasn't going to bring him back to the room with the three other people that I was sharing room with from school.
Speaker 3:Yeah, they probably wouldn't have enjoyed it either no, but yeah, we could bring it all back to the. Bring it all back to clifton, new Jersey. Scenic Clifton, new Jersey. Everybody wants to go to Clifton, right? I don't know, I don't know where we would have it too. That'd be a question mark.
Speaker 1:I would stop and ask for directions at some point. The reaction that I got from the person was one of why the hell do you want to go to Clifton, new Jersey? Because there's me there, Okay. Well, why the hell do?
Speaker 3:you want to go to Clifton, New Jersey?
Speaker 1:Because there's me there. Okay, well, if you want to go there, it's this way. Somebody really said that. I don't remember what he said. This is 20 something years ago.
Speaker 3:How many years, okay, 2004.
Speaker 1:This is 2002. Sorry.
Speaker 3:Yeah, so 26 years ago. We are so old, yeah, we're old. Love it years ago. We are so old. Yeah, we're old, love it. I love it older than 26 years. We are by a lot. I have colleagues that are 26 years old. I have colleagues that are 24 years old. I can't wait till gen alpha is my colleagues and I'm gonna be officially obsolete. All right, we're babbling now.
Speaker 3:We're babbling yeah yeah, thanks everybody for listening we uh, we love you so much we will not be inappropriate, though in person I promise we. We have strong boundaries and our consent informed individuals.
Speaker 1:Dan is like I'm I'm cracking up, okay, at the end of this episode. It's been a long week. I had a 65 hour week this week and I am dead now. I'm a zombie.
Speaker 3:And now Dan's going to literally edit this to go out tomorrow and I'm going to work on zombie ween Brains, brains, brains. Well, everybody, the end is nigh.
Speaker 1:Don't die.
Speaker 3:Bye, bye or do die. But then come back and bite somebody, yeah but only if you're a zombie. You're allowed to die as long as you.
